Monthly Archives: July 2015

Woke up crying. Twice.


I woke up from a dream at 5am, sobbing.

After calming down, I noticed I still felt sick. I didn’t know if it was a continuation from yesterday or from the laxatives I took before bed, but it made falling back asleep difficult.

I finally fell asleep sometime after 6:30 and my “don’t ever sleep past this time” alarm woke me at 9am. I was crying again.

I was down (weight) again, so I let myself eat breakfast.


Full of bad ideas


I’ve been sick today, so I have been lethargic and weak all day. In my brilliance, tonight, I downed laxatives and hopped on my stationary bike. I couldn’t even get to an hour before I was super nauseous and weak and dizzy.

Weighing Rituals


I have rituals I have to follow when it comes to weighing myself, which I do every morning.

I used to weigh myself all day long, back when I was anorexic. But now that I binge, it just depresses me because my weight shoots up mid-day and I just end up hating myself even more and it’s not good.

So, every morning, I get up and the first thing I do is use the bathroom. I make sure my hands are exceptionally dry after I wash them so I don’t have any extra weight from the water. I make sure to wear the same thing each morning. I used to weigh naked, but I can’t do that right now.** I ensure the scale is in the same spot and stable, all four legs touching the floor. I make sure nothing is in my hair, I’m not wearing any jewelry, there’s nothing that could possibly be showing up as excess weight. Then, I tap my scale to turn it on. With my scale, I don’t have to do that, but it makes me feel better to see 0.0 before stepping on, knowing it’s tared correctly. Then, I stand as still as possible for a 10 count so it can get the most accurate reading possible, then I look down. I then record the weight in an app on my phone. Rinse and repeat tomorrow.

Right now, thought I’m ecstatic with the numbers it’s giving me, I’m beginning to suspect my scale is lying to me. Today it says I’m a pound and a half down from yesterday. That’s a big jump in one day and, while I really want to believe it, it’s hard to believe my body dropped that much weight overnight.


**My apartment has the weirdest layout and to get to the bathroom, my roommates have to go through my bedroom, so I don’t ever get naked in my bedroom, and the bathroom floor is too uneven for the scale to work correctly.

Muscle Spasms


My calves are so sore from the last couple days that every time I move them even a little my muscles cramp up.

Frantic Binging, Compulsive Exercising, and a little knitting on the side


I spent the first couple hours of my time alone frantically binging on food. Anything and everything I could get my hands on. Pancakes, cereal, pizza bites, cheese, I don’t even remember everything. I felt almost crazed.

When I finally couldn’t eat anymore, I literally freaked out. I took off immediately to my stationary bike and hit it hard for the next couple hours. When I couldn’t do that anymore, I collapsed on my bed for a while to recover. Now my ankle, which has osteoarthritis, is really sore from how hard I’ve been pushing it the last few days.

Now, I’m watching Kim Possible and knitting. I’m making a lot of progress on my friend’s scarf. I’m probably about halfway done. I’m really excited about the progress.

Luckily, people will be home soon and I don’t have to spend the night alone. I have an even harder time alone once it gets dark.

Fear and Drive


Normally on days I have physical therapy I don’t workout on my own because I’m sore and tired from PT. However, tonight, I was worried about how much food I’ve eaten today and weighing in tomorrow morning, so I got in another workout. I pushed myself really hard, too. Harder than I have in the last week.

Tomorrow I will be on my own for part of the day. Those days are always the hardest. They’re the days I end up binging on food or self-harming or buying things I shouldn’t or planning an overdose or so many other self-destructive things. I try so hard to stay stable on my days alone but I just don’t know how.



I am down another quarter of a pound today! Things are finally moving in the right direction!

I have physical therapy today and they always push me, so I’m looking forward to that.

Overall I’m feeling elated.

The right Direction


I wish weight loss was that easy. Maybe it’s because I have severe hypothyroidism, or maybe it’s because of the over 20 years of eating disorders messing with my metabolism, but it’s easy for me to gain weight and super difficult for me to lose anything.

For the last couple weeks, I’ve been working out for at least an hour every day. Yet, no budge on the scale. Finally, this morning, I was down 0.4 pound! It’s about time! Hopefully this is the start of momentum and not just a little blip.



I babysat overnight and into this afternoon for my twin niece and nephew. I should have brought a blanket with me because I was freezing last night. Even after turning the heat up.

I love babysitting the twins. They’re so much fun. They’re 17 months and everything is new and exciting to them!