I bought a new blender. My last one stopped working. I bought the exact same blender…but I had the last one for a year and a half before it stopped working and it was less than $15 and the top turns into a glass to drink from, so it seemed like a good buy. It’s nice to have a blender again.
On a related note, I learned I’m allergic to blackberries.
“This is why,“ I think to myself as I take another bite of pasta. “This is why you can’t lose any weight despite hours of exercise each day.”
This is how I deal with stress, with disappointment, with not knowing what to do. I eat and I exercise. I used to purge, but I haven’t done much of that since leaving treatment a month ago. Now I just kill myself on my bike. Which I did, right before eating the pasta.
I was supposed to go car shopping today, but due to a series of events, was unable to. That’s the 4th time in a row. I’m beginning to think I will never be able to buy a car. All I want is a little independence. All I want is to be able to get around when my fibromyalgia is acting up. All I want is stability. All I want is freedom.
All I get is disappointment. So, all I do is exercise and eat. It’s better than the alternative, I suppose. I really wanted to cut, but I worked out and ate pasta instead. It’s “safer” at the very least, I’m told. Better to kill myself slowly with bulimia than to slice open my veins, they tell me.
Just once, I want something to go right.
In treatment, you (hopefully) come out of your eating disorder enough that you’re able to see a different way of living. A better way of living. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always mean that you’re able to pull yourself out of the eating disorder. The quote above is from an anime I’m watching (Psycho-Pass, if you’re interested) and it struck me that this is how it is for me post-treatment. I have this obsession, and my mind tells me there’s a wiser, a better way to live, but I can’t seem to turn my back on this obsession.