Today I discovered my new favorite shake. Better than the peanut butter vanilla, even! What is this magical concoction, you ask? Chocolate with iced coffee. It was amazing. Who needs Starbucks? And this is a healthy, nutrient-dense meal?? Yes, please!! It’s decided, I’m sticking with the shakes after this week is over. I do, however, still have a few more flavors to try. Vegan strawberry, for instance.
I hope my new shakes get here before these ones run out.
The last few days I’ve been pretty stable. My mood has been pretty alright, I haven’t been up or down, I haven’t been depressed or manic, I haven’t been suicidal or making impulsive (read stupid) decisions, I’ve been ok. And frankly, it’s freaking me out.
I just don’t know how to deal with being “normal” or steady or okay. I am so used to being sick and broken and in crisis that being stable feels so foreign it feels wrong. I feel like I need to do something. Like I need to be sick again so I need to do something drastic that will prove that no, really, I am still struggling. Steady scares me. Okay makes me anxious.
I don’t know how long this period of stability will last, but I’m trying to learn to handle it. To not let the uncomfortableness with the newness of it cause me to make any poor decisions. I’m trying to learn how to deal with just being ok without letting it push me back to the sickness I’m trying so hard to recovery from.