This is why

“This is why,“ I think to myself as I take another bite of pasta. “This is why you can’t lose any weight despite hours of exercise each day.”

This is how I deal with stress, with disappointment, with not knowing what to do. I eat and I exercise. I used to purge, but I haven’t done much of that since leaving treatment a month ago. Now I just kill myself on my bike. Which I did, right before eating the pasta.

I was supposed to go car shopping today, but due to a series of events, was unable to. That’s the 4th time in a row. I’m beginning to think I will never be able to buy a car. All I want is a little independence. All I want is to be able to get around when my fibromyalgia is acting up. All I want is stability. All I want is freedom.

All I get is disappointment. So, all I do is exercise and eat. It’s better than the alternative, I suppose. I really wanted to cut, but I worked out and ate pasta instead. It’s “safer” at the very least, I’m told. Better to kill myself slowly with bulimia than to slice open my veins, they tell me.

Just once, I want something to go right.

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Looking forward to freedom

This weekend, my homework was to take my trigger list, pick the top 5, and write out 3 coping skills for each. My other homework was to make a body image timeline.

I finished the trigger coping skills pretty quickly. The body image timeline has taken me all weekend and I just finished.

I had some scratch paper and scratch board lying around from years ago and decided I would make a  sheet for each point on the timeline. I have to present my timeline, so I wanted to come up with a creative way to do so.

Most of them have pictures, but the last one is the image above.

“The future holds freedom.”

That’s what I keep trying to remind myself.