Busy week upcoming

I have an appointment every day this week. Two on Wednesday. Tomorrow I have an eye exam, Tuesday I meet with my psychiatrist, Wednesday I have my medical clearance for going back into eiop and I have my DBT group, Thursday I meet with my DBT therapist, Friday I have the intake assessment for eiop, and Saturday I have the orientation for volunteering at the children’s hospital to rock babies.

I’m not looking forward to it, when I have appointments every day, my fibromyalgia tends to act up more. Also, my eating disorder therapist wants me in php (partial hospitalization) instead of eiop (evening intensive outpatient), but I’m not even sure my insurance will approve another round of eiop, let alone php. They wouldn’t approve php earlier this year when it was recommended then, so I’m not holding my breath on being sent to php. Besides, I have no idea how I would get my schoolwork done if I’m in php, since it’s an all day program. And I wouldn’t be able to volunteer at the children’s hospital rocking babies. And I would have to quit my DBT program. So overall, eiop would be “better” for me. (I don’t know that it would be better at interrupting behaviors, but it would interrupt my life less.)

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Feeling overwhelmed and skipping treatment

My fibromyalgia was so bad yesterday. My whole body hurt. I spent most of the day in bed because it just hurt too much to get up. Because I was in so much pain, I didn’t go to my DBT group or treatment. Even though I didn’t go because of a legitimate reason, I feel like a naughty child who skipped school.

Also, because of the pain yesterday, I didn’t work on anything school-related. I am now behind and feeling overwhelmed. I have a test due today I haven’t studied for and discussions I need to post that I’m lost on and an assignment due tomorrow I haven’t even started. Plus, my fibromyalgia, while not nearly as painful today, still hurts and has me feeling absolutely exhausted today. I just want to crawl back in bed and forget I’m a person for the day.

A mostly uneventful day

I had physical therapy this morning. PT means I leave with my legs like jelly. I called for my ride to pick me up and realized my legs weren’t working the way they were supposed to as I tried to walk out of the hospital. Still, I went to the store afterward. I slowly walked into the store and picked up my prescription for my fibromyalgia and a spiral-bound notebook to take notes for my classes that start on Thursday.

By the time I got home, my legs were so stiff and sore that any movement was a chore. And thanks to the fibromyalgia, the leg pain soon spread to the rest of my body.  By early afternoon, I needed to lie down because I was in so much pain, so I took a nap.

I didn’t hear from the eating disorder clinic today. I’m hoping tomorrow. The waiting is killing me. I may call tomorrow if I don’t hear anything.

LoveMe Challenge, Day 21

Day #21: Something you are proud of.

I was originally going to say my family, but then I realized I probably am supposed to say something about myself.

So, what am I proud of? For a while I thought “nothing,” but then I realized I am proud of myself for pushing myself when I don’t want to, which I do all the time. For wearing pant when it’s hard. For agreeing to to a year-long DBT program when it scares me. For going out with friends when my anxiety tells me to stay home. For doing house cleaning when I’m in horrible pain. I’m proud of myself for pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.

LoveMe Challenge, Day 6

Day #6: A note to your future You.

Dear future me,

I really don’t know what to say to you. I want to like you, to love you, but I’m not there yet. Maybe that’s what I’ll say. I hope that I love you. I hope that I like you. I hope we’ve made peace. I hope you are happy. I hope you are content with yourself. I hope you have found a good rhythm in recovery and are doing well with it. I hope you aren’t struggling still. I hope you’ve found the right balance with your exercise. I hope you feel ok. I know you’ll still have to deal with your diagnoses, but I hope right now in the future, you’re feeling well. I hope you have peace of mind. I hope you’re happy.

From, me

1,000 Followers! You Asked, I’m Answering!

Below are the questions I received, in the order I received them. I will answer them all!

• Who inspires you the most in your life? (jackloveswriting)
  • My dad. He has faced a lot of opposition in his life but he just keeps going and working hard. He’s never quit and never given up.

• You are stranded alone on an island with a single box. What is in that box? (ananonymousoutsider)
  • Does the island have wifi, because that might affect my decision. I’m assuming the island has no electricity, so I’m bringing some of my favorite books, books I can reread without getting bored. I would also bring a large journal and pens so I can write. My Bible and a highlighter. A tarp for shelter. Rope, because it’s handy for a lot of things. A pocket knife, for the same reason as the rope. And a life straw, just in case the water isn’t safe.

• Hi i am new to this site and I was wondering how do you use hashtags? Im not sure if I tagged my post right. (mhudss)
  • As far as I know, you don’t use hashtags on WordPress (maybe I’m missing out?) but you can tag your post.
  • 
  • If you scroll down while making a post, on the right, it says “Tags”. Type your tags, separated by a comma. Then, hit “Add”. That’s it! You’ve tagged your post!

• What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? (cavellemartin)
  • Salted caramel is my favorite guilty pleasure.

• What is your zodiac sign? (Deanne)
  • Cancer. That’s all I know about it. When I was in treatment, there were girls there who could tell you how it was supposed to affect your personality and decision making. All I know is I’m a cancer, and only because I looked it up once as a teen.

• Favorite book of all time? This does not rule out children’s books. The one book in all your life, that you can say is your fave. (threekidsandi)
  • The Hobbit. I read it probably once a year. I have a hardbound, annotated copy that is beautiful.

• What color socks are you wearing? (KatieComeBack)
  • When I got this question, I was wearing light blue socks with penguins on them. Now I’m wearing fuzzy red and white striped socks.

• 1,000?!?! That is phenomenal!! What is your secret to that?? How did you achieve that many followers?? (The Sound of Ed’s Voice)
  And can I have some?? LOL (KatieComeBack)
  Congratulations!
  Question 1: Why do you think you have so many followers? (Bracken5)
  • First, yeah sure, you can have some! I’m not stingy! Second, I’ll say, I’m not entirely certain how I got 1,000 followers, but if I had to guess, I would say it has something to do with my morning routine.
  • 
  • Each morning I go to my reader and I go through my list of tags (above you can see some of the tags I follow) and I read all the new posts in each tag category. I then like or comment on them. Comments are rare. If you get a comment on your blog post, feel honored because I rarely post comments. Comments make me anxious. But that’s a whole other blog post. By reading and reaching out to the blogging community, it’s only natural that some portion of them would be interested in who is reading their blog posts and would visit my site in turn. Then, a portion of those would be interested enough in my site to follow it. So basically, read a hell of a lot of blog posts (and like or comment on them) and you too can have a lot of followers. (This is just a theory, it may not work for you.)

• What’s the silliest thing you’ve done alone in your house on days you feel good – dance around, do cartwheels? Heehee (Faith)
  • Now I wish I had done really silly things so I could tell about them. I admit, I don’t really do many silly things. Stupid, yes, but not silly. And my place is too small for cartwheels, you would give yourself a concussion trying by spinning into a wall.

• A cup of tea + a good book makes me happy. Your turn. What makes you happy? (Ameena k.g)
  • An electric blanket, a mug of cocoa, snow, and a Christmas movie. It doesn’t matter the time of year. (It’s snowed in July here.)

• If you didn’t blog about eating disorders what would you write about?! (ambivalencegirl)
  • I would probably focus more on what life is like living with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis and bipolar disorder. As I become more recovery focused (fingers crossed) I may shift in that direction.

• If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you travel? (Lady CAS)
  • Germany, Austria, Ireland, and Scotland

I hope you enjoyed that. Thank you for submitting your questions!

LoveMe Challenge, Day 3

Day #3: A word that describes you.

persistent

[per-sis-tuh nt, –zis-]

adjective

1.

persisting, especially in spite of opposition, obstacles, discouragement, etc.; persevering:

2.

lasting or enduring tenaciously:

I feel the word that describes me is “persistent”. I’ve been through a lot in my life, and I continue to go through a lot, but I also persist. Sometimes despite myself, but I persist nonetheless. And I will continue to persist.

Family picnic

So most of my family lives in the metro area, but one sister and her husband live about an hour and a half away in the Springs. Normally, because everyone else lives here, we plan our family get togethers for here, but I thought it would be nice to go to the Springs for a change this holiday weekend so my sister could take a break from the long drive.

Well, let me tell you, it didn’t go quite as planned. First, 2 of my brothers had to work so they didn’t come. Then, the third wasn’t feeling well today, which I’m pretty sure is code for he drank too much last night, so he didn’t come either. That left my sister and brother-in-law, my parents, and me. We all got a super late start, so the Springs sister was waiting at the park for us for almost an hour before we arrived. I felt so bad. Then, my sisters spent most of the afternoon shuttling the toddler twins around the playground, and my brothers-in-law went off together to talk, so it was just my parents and me. I thought about joining my sisters, but my fibromyalgia was starting to flare and I just wasn’t up to walking around the playground in 88° heat.  I felt mildly disappointed because I can see my parents anytime I want. But whatever.

I also struggledwith the picnic food. I brought hummus with various thing for dipping and that was my safest and least anxiety-provoking option, but I still struggle eating in front of others. I did alright.

We were going to finish off the night with watching hot air balloons go off, but the venue filled up before we could get there so now we’re on our way home.

My view right now:

This is why

“This is why,“ I think to myself as I take another bite of pasta. “This is why you can’t lose any weight despite hours of exercise each day.”

This is how I deal with stress, with disappointment, with not knowing what to do. I eat and I exercise. I used to purge, but I haven’t done much of that since leaving treatment a month ago. Now I just kill myself on my bike. Which I did, right before eating the pasta.

I was supposed to go car shopping today, but due to a series of events, was unable to. That’s the 4th time in a row. I’m beginning to think I will never be able to buy a car. All I want is a little independence. All I want is to be able to get around when my fibromyalgia is acting up. All I want is stability. All I want is freedom.

All I get is disappointment. So, all I do is exercise and eat. It’s better than the alternative, I suppose. I really wanted to cut, but I worked out and ate pasta instead. It’s “safer” at the very least, I’m told. Better to kill myself slowly with bulimia than to slice open my veins, they tell me.

Just once, I want something to go right.

Fibromyalgia wins the day

I didn’t make it to the rec center. I made it about half of the 2 mile walk to the rec center.

One of the joys of fibromyalgia is that it can lie in wait, silently, and POUNCE the moment you do anything physically stimulating. The pain started almost immediately, and escalated consistently as I walked toward the rec center. After about a mile, I knew I wasn’t going to make it. I sat down for a few minutes to let my body rest because the pain was so bad I wasn’t sure I could walk in any direction.

After a short rest, I started walking back toward home. The pain continued to increase as I walked home. It became nearly disabling. I kept having to stop to rest to let the pain subside just enough to allow me to continue my trek. By the time I was 5 minutes out, I was in tears from the pain and feeling the world’s biggest fool for crying just because I had to walk home, something people do and take for granted all the time.

I entered my home with gritted teeth. I walked straight to my bed, kicked my shoes off, and collapsed on my bed. I just lay there for probably 20 minutes, breathing deeply to keep the tears back, and waiting for the pain to recede to a manageable level.

The pain is still pretty bad. That’s another fun part of fibromyalgia. Just because you stop being active doesn’t mean the pain goes away. It sticks around, sometimes for 2 or 3 days, just to miff you.