As you may remember, a few days ago, I bought the first pants I’ve owned in years. Not only were they pants, they were skinny jeans. Well, I wore them. I wore them in my home first. Then I wore them in public. And I found I like them. I liked wearing pants. They are comfortable and easy and casual and I just like them. So today, while I was out, I bought more pants! However, today, I bought *GASP* jeggings!! I thought, “I bought skinny jeans and loved them, the next logical step is jeggings.”
Yeah, I do NOT like them. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they are comfortable. They are like not wearing pants at all. Therein lies the problem. I feel sooo self-conscious in them. At least in the jeans I felt like I was wearing clothes. The jeggings feel like I’m wearing nothing, like I’m walking around without clothing on my bottom half. I feel indecent! Maybe it’s a feeling I’ll get used to, but I can’t see myself wearing them out of the house at this point. I would be so self-conscious, more so than normal, and that’s saying a lot.
After binging and purging for a couple hours, I decided today needed a do-over, and I went back to bed and slept for two more hours. I woke up less teary and less grumpy and less wanting to binge and purge, and more wanting to knit and play video games simultaneously (hard).
I might run errands this afternoon. I need to pick up my half-functioning bipolar medication at least. I am working on a couple knitting projects that I will probably work on today.
I also got a call from my rheumatologist. She said it sounds like the rashes on my hands are from my immune deficiencies and that there’s not much they can do about them, but she wants to see them in person, so there’s that.
I also left the pro-ana Facebook group. I feel good about that. Relieved, I think.
So while today started on a bad note, it’s looking up and hopefully it’ll end up being productive and positive.
I got up at 6am to binge and purge. An hour and a half later and I’m still going strong.
I cried myself to sleep missing my sister. I woke up crying and grumpy and just out of sorts. I guess my solution was to binge and purge until I’m numb. I’m not numb yet.
And I wish it wouldn’t show up out of the blue to turn me into a blubbering baby.
Apparently today I decided that I’m not keeping anything down, that everything must be purged. I don’t know what happened, it was like something clicked off in my brain and suddenly I needed to purge everything I eat.
Maybe it has something to do with the pro-ana group I was added to yesterday. “What?” you ask. Yes, a friend, and someone I went through residential treatment with for several months back about 5 years ago, she made a pro-ana group on Facebook and added a bunch of people we went through treatment with, and then some of her friends. I was shocked. The only eating disorder related posts I ever make on Facebook are recovery-focused. I have never posted anything that might indicate I am pro-ana. There’s a reason. I am not pro-ana.
I know I am not always actively working toward recovery, but I don’t want people actively living in their eating disorders either. I will always advise that you seek help, because whether I’m in the mindset to do it myself or not, I always believe that’s the best option.
So here I was, minding my own business, when I get the notification “So-and-so has added you to the closed group pro-ana”. I went into a state of shock for quite a while. I didn’t know what to do or how to respond. I haven’t left the group. It’s like that car crash you can’t look away from. I know I should leave it, but I am curious as to what kind of posts it will elicit. However, I know it’s having a negative effect on me. The group information basically says “it’s ok to engage in your eating disorder” and that it NOT what I need to hear right now.
Clearly, my brain was listening, though, because it decided that nothing stays down.
Day #20: Something you love to wear
I love to wear my hoodies. They are soft, they keep me warm, they make me feel comfortable, they act like my security blanket when I’m around other people, they have pockets for my hands, they’re just wonderful.
Day #19: Something you feel strongly about.
I feel strongly about keeping my last name if I ever get married. I love my last name, I love the heritage behind it, I love the name itself, and I’m not giving it up for some silly tradition.
I had 2 lunches today. A friend asked me to go out with her this morning to the spice shop to replenish her holiday spices so she can do fall baking. I agreed. After we finished at the spice store, we were just around the corner from a great sushi place we both like so she invited me to lunch. I knew I had a family lunch later, but I agreed anyway because I love sushi and rarely eat it. So, I went with my friend and I got sushi.
I then came home, purged, and hurried to lunch with my family, where I proceeded to eat a second lunch. I have a problem.
Day #18: Something that feeds your brain.
Reading. I’m lucky enough to have been born to two avid readers who also loved to read to their children. I practically grew up in libraries. I adore reading and when the apathy and listlessness of my bipolar depression hasn’t taken over to where I can’t get myself to do anything, I read all the time, anything I can get my hands on, both fiction and non-fiction. Right now I’m reading Loving Our Kids on Purpose, The Way They Learn, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and The Secret Garden. (The last two are re-reads.)
Day #17: Something that feeds your soul.
Music. There is nothing like music to uplift my spirits, to focus me, to bring me back to the present, or to transport me to another world altogether.