But so useful…
I rarely drink. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, I live with my parents and they don’t like alcohol. Second, I don’t like most alcohol. Third, and most importantly, I am poor and alcohol is not cheap and if I’m going to spend money I don’t have one something I shouldn’t be buying, it’ll be on binge food because bulimia.
However, in the mail today I received a box of free wine. Not a lot, but enough.
So I drank wine.
It was horrendous and vile and I can’t understand why people would want to drink it, but tonight it was either drink or cut, so I chose the one I considered more socially acceptable. Also the one that doesn’t leave external scars.
It hit me very fast. I don’t know if it’s because I never drink wine or because I hadn’t kept any food down today, but you wouldn’t find me complaining.
My brother’s girlfriend basically lives here and, while I like her, I find it hard to eat or relax when she’s here. It was nice to have some wine and relax and just feel nice. I didn’t eat, but it’s only midnight-thirty, so there’s still time. I just can’t decide whether I want to or not.
I want to purge, but I don’t technically have to eat for that. Plus, I know if I decide to eat something, I’m going to want to eat EVERYTHING.
Indecisive me is indecisive.
On another note, I only have 2 days before I start treatment (not including however long I stay up tonight). I go back and forth between actively ignoring it and freaking out at the thought of it.
Now that the wine is wearing off, I might end up cutting anyway. Because if you’re going to self-destruct, you might as well go all out, right?