This is how I feel all the time.
To make up for binging and purging 3 times yesterday, I haven’t eaten today. This was fine until around 6pm. Up until that point, I wasn’t hungry and I legitimately felt incapable of eating. My mind and stomach were both anti-food.
However, about an hour ago, I suddenly felt famished. I tried to fill it with water and ice. It’s not working. Now I feel dizzy and nauseous and like I might involuntarily throw up at any moment.
This frustrates me.
Before I started purging many, many years ago, I restricted only. I would fast frequently. It wasn’t uncommon for me to go a week or two weeks straight without eating. Now, if I even think about not eating, my body complains.
Maybe it did then too. Maybe I was just always so weak and dizzy and sick that not eating for an extra day didn’t seem like a big deal.
However, now that my body is used to receiving food on a daily basis, even if I don’t keep it down, I definitely notice the difference and I don’t like feeling this way and it triggers another binge purge cycle. I don’t want to eat normally, but I don’t want to binge and purge either.
I miss restricting. I miss fasting. I miss my collar bones. I don’t miss my hip bones or ribs as much because they would poke into things and it was painful to lie on my stomach, but I miss my collarbones so much. I miss the way my wrists used to look.
I often feel like a failure at having an eating disorder because I switched from restricting to binging and purging. I didn’t know when I started purging “out of necessity” that I would end up this way. I wish I had just stuck it out and let everyone find out and just not given a fuck.
I can’t take it back, and I can’t seem to find my stride in restricting anymore. I just want to not eat today, but I know that more than likely I will end up eating tonight. I will end up hunched over the toilet. I will end up lying in my bed hating myself more than normal. I will wake up tomorrow awash with guilt, bloated and sick, sore and aching.
My throat is perpetually raw lately. Somehow that bothers me less than the weak, dizzy feeling I get when I don’t eat. Even eating with my sore throat bothers me less. I don’t know why I tolerate some things better than others.
Maybe I just need to ride it out and get used to those feelings again. Or maybe this is the wrong time to make plans to go back to anorexia since I start treatment on Monday. I don’t know.
Maybe now I should just end my verbal diarrhea.