Home sweet home

I’m so glad to be home. I didn’t get much sleep last night and it’s nice to be able to just relax at home. I really did enjoy my time with my brothers despite feeling so sick yesterday, but I always look forward to being home again.

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I just want vodka

I have some vodka hiding away from my parents in my brother’s fridge. I want to consume it. However, I don’t have any chaser or anything to mix it with. I can’t do straight vodka. Shucks. It’s probably for the best, I’m almost at my 400 calories for today. Maybe in 2 days, when I’m on my 800 day. I think Friday will be vodka day.

Wine is Vile

But so useful…

I rarely drink. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, I live with my parents and they don’t like alcohol. Second, I don’t like most alcohol. Third, and most importantly, I am poor and alcohol is not cheap and if I’m going to spend money I don’t have one something I shouldn’t be buying, it’ll be on binge food because bulimia.

However, in the mail today I received a box of free wine. Not a lot, but enough.

So I drank wine.

It was horrendous and vile and I can’t understand why people would want to drink it, but tonight it was either drink or cut, so I chose the one I considered more socially acceptable. Also the one that doesn’t leave external scars.

It hit me very fast. I don’t know if it’s because I never drink wine or because I hadn’t kept any food down today, but you wouldn’t find me complaining.

My brother’s girlfriend basically lives here and, while I like her, I find it hard to eat or relax when she’s here. It was nice to have some wine and relax and just feel nice. I didn’t eat, but it’s only midnight-thirty, so there’s still time. I just can’t decide whether I want to or not.

I want to purge, but I don’t technically have to eat for that. Plus, I know if I decide to eat something, I’m going to want to eat EVERYTHING.

Indecisive me is indecisive.

On another note, I only have 2 days before I start treatment (not including however long I stay up tonight). I go back and forth between actively ignoring it and freaking out at the thought of it.

Now that the wine is wearing off, I might end up cutting anyway. Because if you’re going to self-destruct, you might as well go all out, right?