Hypocrite

As I try to coerce two almost-two year olds to eat their dinner, I can’t help but feel like the hypocrite I am. I want them to eat, but refuse to myself. What a horrible aunt, what a terrible role model.

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Good Day

I ate today.

I went to the zoo for several hours today with my sister and her 17 month old twins. We walked around the whole time, minus about 20 minutes when we stopped to feed the kids lunch. I had so much fun with them.

After, we went back to my sister’s and she put them down for a late nap. Then, she made herself and me food. A salad with chicken. I didn’t want to explain that I wasn’t eating, and I had just walked over 10 miles (thank you, phone GPS) so I ate the salad. I’ll punish myself for it later. I may also get in a real workout too to make up for it.

Overall, though, I had a great day. I adore my niece and nephew and I had a blast with them at the zoo.

What it’s like to eat in treatment: Part 2

“Can you scrape your plate some more?”

“Can you take another spoonful of that yogurt?”

“Can you finish what’s left in this bowl?”

“Don’t stack your dishes.”

“Don’t tear your roll/brownie/cookie/etc.”

“Can you put your hands above the table, please?”

“Don’t put your napkin on your lap.”

“Take your jacket off before coming to the table.”

“Push up your sleeves, please.”

“Ten minutes left, everyone.”

“Five minutes left.”

“Two minutes left.”

“Can you come back to the table and finish your meal?”

“Can I check your mouth?”

“Can you swallow before leaving the table?”

“Do you want chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla boost?” (Tip: don’t pick strawberry.)

Anti-eating Face Mask

Wherr do I buy this?? 

Eating is selfish

I went to the store this morning. I bought food.

A lot of food.

The whole time I was shopping, I had this horrible feeling of impending doom. A nagging feeling that I shouldn’t be spending this money on all this food.

Or any food.

I bought a combination of normal food and binge food. More regular food than binge food.

I went to the checkout and stood in line unable to hide the shame of being a fat person buying food.

I avoided eye contact and I rushed out of the store as quickly as possible.

When I got home, I thought about posting that I finally did something with my money, and that I chose the selfish option.

After a few minutes, it occurred to me that I equate buying food for myself with being selfish. Eating is the ultimate selfish act.

I am a selfish person, and I consistently waste food on a person who doesn’t deserve to eat.

Instead of using my money to buy gifts for my now two friends who just had babies, instead of getting something for my newly engaged friend, instead of buying anything for any number of people, I spent that money on myself.

Because I am selfish.

Eating when I’m full

One of the things I hate most about binging and purging is when I’m full from binging to the point where I’m in physical pain…but I keep eating anyway. I don’t understand why I do this. I just can’t seem to stop.

The food doesn’t even taste good anymore, and every bite makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. I feel like my stomach is going to tear open. Yet, I keep eating.

I hate myself.

Wine is Vile

But so useful…

I rarely drink. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, I live with my parents and they don’t like alcohol. Second, I don’t like most alcohol. Third, and most importantly, I am poor and alcohol is not cheap and if I’m going to spend money I don’t have one something I shouldn’t be buying, it’ll be on binge food because bulimia.

However, in the mail today I received a box of free wine. Not a lot, but enough.

So I drank wine.

It was horrendous and vile and I can’t understand why people would want to drink it, but tonight it was either drink or cut, so I chose the one I considered more socially acceptable. Also the one that doesn’t leave external scars.

It hit me very fast. I don’t know if it’s because I never drink wine or because I hadn’t kept any food down today, but you wouldn’t find me complaining.

My brother’s girlfriend basically lives here and, while I like her, I find it hard to eat or relax when she’s here. It was nice to have some wine and relax and just feel nice. I didn’t eat, but it’s only midnight-thirty, so there’s still time. I just can’t decide whether I want to or not.

I want to purge, but I don’t technically have to eat for that. Plus, I know if I decide to eat something, I’m going to want to eat EVERYTHING.

Indecisive me is indecisive.

On another note, I only have 2 days before I start treatment (not including however long I stay up tonight). I go back and forth between actively ignoring it and freaking out at the thought of it.

Now that the wine is wearing off, I might end up cutting anyway. Because if you’re going to self-destruct, you might as well go all out, right?