Now just to wait

I had my intake assessment today. I see my doctor Friday for tests. And now I just wait to hear back.

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Why I Don’t Like Being in a Relationship

Being in a romantic relationship always sounds nice to me in theory. However, whenever I find myself in one, I don’t enjoy it that much. And it’s completely my own fault. In 2014, I was in relationships with 3 guys. I dated more than that. I am not a casual dater, but when I signed up for an online dating service at the end of 2013, I found myself meeting and dating a lot of people, and liking some of them.

I, however, am terrible in relationships. When I get into a relationship, I start to doubt myself. I start to pick at my appearance. I start to worry about my quirks. I start to wonder whether someone can actually love me. I start to analyze every date, every word, every period of silence. I worry that not responding to a text or facebook message is because they’re tired of me, I’ve done something wrong, I’ve angered them, I hurt them, I…I…I…

It really doesn’t matter how sweet and kind and understanding the guy is. I self-sabotage every relationship. I am not the person who gets dumped, because I always freak out and end relationships. And, of course, dumping people always makes me feel like a terrible person because then I feel like I’m leaving a string of broken hearts in my wake, which makes me even more reluctant to get into another relationship.

All this to say, I was NOT looking to get into another relationship, especially not with “the boy”. We began dating 5 years ago, dated for a year and a half, then I broke it off. About a year after that, we got back together, dated for a year, and then, again, I broke it off.

Early last year, we started talking again. We always gravitate to one another. We were best friends, and I destroyed that, twice, when we broke up. Life isn’t a sitcom where you can conveniently keep all your exes as friends. Hearts get broken and things get awkward and feelings get hurt and it doesn’t work. At least, not at first.

And yet, we always end up talking again. We date other people, we “move on”, and then we end up back together. The truth is, I never stopped loving him. I have loved him for 5 years. Unfortunately, we have different goals for our lives, different core beliefs, and many obstacles that make me worry that it can’t last, which is one reason I keep ending it. Despite my “best efforts” to ruin my dating life, I truly do want to be married and have a family and have someone to grow old with.

So we started talking again. Just short conversations here and there. A birthday card, a quick catching up, and so forth. He was clear, he “couldn’t do this again”, meaning he couldn’t be in a romantic relationship with me again. I had broken his heart twice and he wouldn’t let me in to do that again. But he did.

I don’t know when exactly it happened. I’m not even sure how it happened. Gradually, over time.

Before long he was sending me flowers and using terms of endearment. We took a trip together at the end of November. However, he won’t call us an item. He’ll sleep with me, but he won’t call me his girlfriend. And that refusal to commit, which I understand, worries me. It feeds into my self-doubt and my fears.

Then, when I have situations like the last couple days where he is not in communication with me at all, I fear the worst. Not that he is in trouble, but that i have done something. I have been too clingy. I have been smothering. I have said or done something wrong. I freak out. My anxiety goes through the roof and my behaviors get worse and I know, I just KNOW I’ve messed things up again.

Turns out, he was just really, really sick and hasn’t been up to talking.

When, at the beginning of December, I was incredibly sick and didn’t talk to him for the whole weekend, I didn’t think anything of it. Yet, when he does the same, I go out of my mind with worry over what I have done to make him keep silent.

I am not good in relationships.

Vacation Weight

I’m going on vacation in just over a week. To California.

I’m freaking out internally. We’re going to the beach. I love to swim, but I don’t normally just hang out in a swimsuit. I’m terrified and nervous and kind of sick to my stomach.

On the flip side, though, I’m looking forward to the “vacation weight”. Many people complain of gaining weight over vacation. I always lose on vacation.

While on vacation, I tend to eat every meal with others, which means there’s always someone there to see me eat, which means I hardly eat. And since I tend to be around people A LOT while on vacation, I’m much less likely to binge and purge. After a week of near-fasting, I always come home lighter.

I’m looking forward to that.

Worry

I don’t know what to do if my insurance again refuses to cover treatment. Maybe I will just never eat again. I don’t want to go back to binging and purging. After almost a week without it, and basically without food, the thought of going back sounds exhausting

Trying to Stay Grounded

My day before treatment was pretty bad.

I got up early to go to a doctor appointment, and got a call one minute before I planned to leave telling me my doctor wouldn’t be in the office today. I rescheduled for next Wednesday.

Then, I went back to bed, having a migraine. I stayed in bed until around noon. I got up, binged and purged, then played The Sims until the last minute instead of studying for my final, took a shower, and left.

I was really nauseous during dinner and despite trying really hard, I couldn’t finish and had to boost.

After dinner was art. I enjoy art. Tonight I made grounding stones out of clay. They’re kind of like worry stones, but I made them to re-ground myself when I’m freaking out, feeling the need to self-harm, or feeling suicidal.

They’re all different shapes and sizes. I put a word on the bottom of each. Some are smooth and some are textured. I’m hoping they will help ground me. I want to paint them next week, then maybe I’ll take pictures and show you.

After art we had the friends and family group. My dad came.

He didn’t seem to be at all interested or present during group, but afterward in the car, he told me he was glad he came, and he’ll keep coming.

I was shocked.

My goal for tomorrow is to follow my meal plan.