Just trying to deal

Yesterday was rough. I binged and purged twice instead of following my meal plan. Then, this morning, the scale said I had gained 6 pounds since yesterday morning. Ugh! I can’t even deal today. I don’t know whether or not I’m going to try to follow my meal plan today. I want to fast so I can lost that weight I gained binging yesterday. But I also know that if I don’t try then I won’t be working toward recovery, which is what I ultimately want, even if it doesn’t feel like I want it right now. I don’t know. I’m just overwhelmed and exhausted.

Advertisement

Not working

My weight just keeps going back up no matter what I do. I increase my exercise. I decrease my intake. I drink more water. I take more laxatives. Nothing is working. I’m scared and frustrated.

You were probably right

When I got up this morning, those six pounds were gone. Plus two more. I feel more relieved than I can express.

I also…*drum roll*…slept last night! I even slept pretty well. I feel the most refreshed I’ve felt in quite a while.

I also remembered to call my doctor this morning, so I have an appointment set up on Thursday, so the mental health guy can’t yell at me for that.

I have about an hour now before I have to leave to see him. I’m worried he’s going to insist on sending me to the hospital this time, and I’m not sure if I can (or should) talk my way out of it again. So, to prepare, I’m making a bag of stuff to keep me occupied at the ER and hospital like a couple books, some coloring books and colored pencils, my Bible, a journal, and some paper to finally write those letters I keep promising.

I’m hoping I won’t need it, but I’d rather be prepared.

I gain weight from breathing

I’ve gained almost 6 pounds this week. How??

I workout at least 3 hours a days, some days more, yesterday 6. I purge everything I eat, I use laxatives and diet pills, and still, I gain. I am seriously at a loss.

I’m terrified that when I start PHP, with not purging, taking anything, and not exercising, that I’m going to balloon up. I keep crying, even though I’m trying not to think about it.

I hate this body. I wish I could slice it off and crawl out of it. It’s stupid, and doesn’t understand science, apparently. I give up on it.

I’m going to go use my bike.

Back to bed

I woke up still exhausted. I went through my morning routine of using the toilet, undressing, and weighing. Overnight my weight went up 6 pounds.

Despite the hours of exercise yesterday, the laxatives, the purging, I still managed to gain 6 pounds. I cried.

Then I went back to bed. I’m probably going to take some sleep meds and try to sleep for a couple days. If I’m sleeping, I’m not eating.

My body creates fat spontaneously

This is pretty much how I feel right now.

Apparently, with eating 15% of my dinner, a cup of boost, and a few crackers last night, I managed to gain over a pound yesterday.

How?

Your guess is as good as mine. Probably better than mine.

This definitely doesn’t inspire me to follow my meal plan at all today. I’m going to go back on Monday, get weighed, and they’re going to exclaim about how much weight I’ve gained.