My intake assessment for the eating disorder clinic is tomorrow. I’m nervous as heck.
Since it’s tomorrow, I thought it’s probably time I should tell someone in my life that I’m seeking treatment, so I told my mom. It was HARD. I told her I had something I needed to tell her, but then it took a good 5 minutes before I could work up the courage to actually tell her what’s going on. I cried.
My mom said she suspected I was struggling, but wasn’t sure. She said she’s glad I’m seeking treatment.
I don’t like talking about myself with people. I don’t like telling people I’m going into treatment. It’s hard and uncomfortable. I think I’ll hold off telling anyone else until I know whether or not I’ll be admitted.
Today, I watched these two videos that my therapist assigned me to watch. They’re long, but if you haven’t seen them yet, I highly recommend them.
After finishing the video on shame, which I cried through, I felt ready to finally work on some grief work I’ve been putting off.
The first assignment was to make a Mad/Sad/Scared/Glad list about my sister’s death. It was hard, but good. Here’s that list.
- I’m sad that you’re not here anymore.
- I’m sad you won’t be at my wedding.
- I’m sad the kids are no longer a part of my life.
- I’m sad you will miss out on all future holidays.
- I’m sad you don’t get to hear our jokes and know our stories.
- I’m sad for all the “missed” time with you.
- I’m sad we’ll never get to go to another movie, you’ll never recommend another book, and never suck me into another game.
- I’m sad we can’t have girl’s nights.
- I’m sad all 7 siblings will never be together again.
- I’m sad my future family will never get to know you.
- I’m mad God let you die.
- I’m mad I couldn’t change it.
- I’m mad when I don’t think of you.
- I’m scared to feel the grief.
- I’m scared to let go of you.
- I’m scared of accepting that you’re gone forever.
- I’m scared of what it means to have a future without you.
- I’m glad you’re in heaven enjoying yourself.
- I’m glad you’re with your Savior.
I miss you.