I really don’t need your help

My body has taken up this annoying habit that I wish it would just quit.

You see, about a month ago, once I get about halfway through a purge, my body decides it wants to help and takes over. Instead of having to gag myself after that, it just starts retching until all my food is up.

This might seem ideal, but it’s really not. First of all, when I gag myself, I usually vomit less violently. It tends to be cleaner, quieter, less painful, and I’m less likely to end up with food and bile up my nose. Also, when my body takes over, I no longer have that control. It’s no longer something I’m meticulously enacting, it’s my body forcing me to do something, and I don’t like that.

I wish I could tell my body, “No really, I’ve got this.”

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I still smell

I can’t seem to shake the smell of vomit. I cleaned up and changed clothes, I even washed my skin several times and then sprayed myself with perfume. Still, all I can smell is the vomit.

It’s making me sick.

All over you

I decided one last quick binge/purge session for the night would be a good idea. I filled the sink with hot, soapy water and the dirty dishes from today. Then, I filled a pot with water and set it to boil. 

While I washed dishes, I also made a pot of pasta. The dishes and the food got done at the same time. How convenient! I snarfed down the pasta, cleaned the pot and bowl, and went to purge. 

That’s when the disaster happened. 

Here I am, minding my own business, puking my guts, thinking everything is fine. 

It was about to be very un-fine. 

I gagged myself, and right as the food came out, for seemingly no reason at all, my head jerked forward. Instead of spraying into the toilet, I sprayed ALL OVER myself. 

It was like a vomit shower, and I was both the shower head, and the person showering. 

In a split second I went from being happily purging to being drenched in my own regurgitated food, stomach acid, and bile. My shirt was soaked through and it was dripping down my bare legs where it was pooling around my feet. 

What do you do when such a thing happens? Well, after the shock wore off, I finished purging as quickly as possible, stripped down and cleaned myself up. New clothes and lots of soap later, I still feel dirty. 

Eating when I’m full

One of the things I hate most about binging and purging is when I’m full from binging to the point where I’m in physical pain…but I keep eating anyway. I don’t understand why I do this. I just can’t seem to stop.

The food doesn’t even taste good anymore, and every bite makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. I feel like my stomach is going to tear open. Yet, I keep eating.

I hate myself.

I should be sleeping

Fighting the good fight

Today is the first time in the 2 weeks I’ve been back in treatment that I’ve even remotely tried to follow my meal plan.

Sort of.

I ate a small bowl of cereal and half the milk I put in the bowl. I also took my meds and drank a half glass of water.

These are all huge victories.

However, I’m now left nauseous and anxious and trying to keep my food on the inside.

I still have the large, black “STOP” on my hand. It is a reminder not to binge, but also not to purge. I am trying.

It shouldn’t be so hard to keep food in. People all over the world go all day, every day eating food and not giving a second thought as to whether they should keep that food down, whether they should let it digest. Why can’t it be that simple for me?

I wish it weren’t such an internal struggle to just not throw up my food.

I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to win this one.

I may not have faith yet that I can win the war against bulimia, but just this meal, I’m going to win the battle. It’s my turn, dammit. I will be victorious.

I just need to stay away from the bathroom for a few hours, and distract the hell out of myself. No big deal, right? (If only)