I spent my weekend with my brothers. For the most part, it was great. We play games, we drank vodka, we caroused, we enjoyed each other’s company. The was only one down side.
As you may know, I was on a restrictive diet when I left for the weekend. While drunk, I ended up eating. I woke up the next morning, remembered eating a sandwich, and was suddenly filled with dark suicidal thoughts. You don’t know regret until your regret comes with the knowledge that you need and deserve to be dead because of the mistake you made.
Luckily the suicidal thoughts only lasted an hour or so, but it was a rough morning.
So, tomorrow, I am starting the diet over and it will be a fasting day.
Day #24: What makes you happy?
Spending time with my family. My family makes me happy like nothing else, especially my mom and brothers. I adore my nieces and nephews. I have always been close to my family. I grew up playing board games with them, playing pretend, playing video games, reading with them, arguing with and making up with them, making craft with them, so on and so forth. My family didn’t have a lot of money, but we had each other and we have always been there for each other.
I’m off today to spend a couple days with my 3 brothers and one of my brothers’ girlfriend. It’ll be 2 days of video games, card games, board games, drinking, eating, and me trying not to purge in their toilet.
I love my get-togethers with my brothers (and the girlfriend). We have so much fun together. We all have the same sense of humor and enjoy the same things. We only get to see each other about once a month, so we spend the “weekend” (two of my brothers have the middle of the week off, the other is in school so he has off whenever he’s not in classes) together enjoying each other’s company. I look forward to these times.
I may or may not blog. I usually have time in the mornings when I’m the only one up, so it’ll just depend on whether I have anything I feel like I need to talk about while I’m there. I’m excited. I even bought us a new game to play. It’s called Forbidden Island and it’s a cooperative tabletop game. (Like a board game where everyone is playing together to try to beat the game instead of beat each other.)
I am currently listening to this song. And I love Minecraft.
I remember when I first heard about the game a few years ago, I thought it sounded ridiculously stupid. I soon after discovered that one of my best friends played and she encouraged me to try it out. I did.
I loved it.
I still do.
I don’t play very often at the moment, what with binging and purging and biking and dying, but I’m hoping that once I’m back on the past to recovery I’ll start playing again.
In just over a month, I turn 30.
I can’t believe this.
I always thought I would have accomplished certain things by age 30. Graduating college, marrying, having children. Not being bulimic or depressed.
I haven’t accomplished any of that.
In fact, off the top of my head, I can’t tell you a single thing I haveaccomplished.
I don’t have a job and I can’t work. I’m in school, but I’m not doing great because bulimia is kicking my butt right now. I live with my parents again. I don’t even have the energy to set up my exercise bike.
I have never minded getting older. I was never worried about wrinkles or grey hairs. Being asked my age never bothered me.
However, all of a sudden, about 10 minutes ago, it hit me. I will be 30. And for some reason I can’t explain, I am terrified at the prospect.