Today is the first time in the 2 weeks I’ve been back in treatment that I’ve even remotely tried to follow my meal plan.
I ate a small bowl of cereal and half the milk I put in the bowl. I also took my meds and drank a half glass of water.
These are all huge victories.
However, I’m now left nauseous and anxious and trying to keep my food on the inside.
I still have the large, black “STOP” on my hand. It is a reminder not to binge, but also not to purge. I am trying.
It shouldn’t be so hard to keep food in. People all over the world go all day, every day eating food and not giving a second thought as to whether they should keep that food down, whether they should let it digest. Why can’t it be that simple for me?
I wish it weren’t such an internal struggle to just not throw up my food.
I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to win this one.
I may not have faith yet that I can win the war against bulimia, but just this meal, I’m going to win the battle. It’s my turn, dammit. I will be victorious.
I just need to stay away from the bathroom for a few hours, and distract the hell out of myself. No big deal, right? (If only)