Too much and not enough

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I can’t even get into treatment

After finding out that I am not actually starting PHP, next week or otherwise, I spent many hours binging and purging and trying to numb myself. It hasn’t been very successful.

I feel like such a failure. I failed at getting into treatment. I failed at being sick enough to make anyone take interest. I failed at being thin enough for anyone’s concern. I failed, I fail, I will fail. That’s all I do.

I will die fat and a failure.

You’re not skinny, you’re beautiful!

I hope I’m not alone in recognizing the ridiculousness of that statement. “You’re not skinny, you’re beautiful!” I would certainly hope no one would say that. And yet, fat women get, “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!” ALL. THE. TIME.

I have a female friend who is fat. That’s not an insult, it just is. She knows she is, we’ve talked about weight before and her dissatisfaction with her weight. She’s not under any delusions that she is actually a thin person.

Last night, she sent me a message asking me to help her come up with a name for a new blog she wants to start. She has decided to lose weight and wants to chronicle the journey. I was excited for her. Not because she wants to lose weight, but because she has decided to do something for herself, for the right reasons, and in a healthy way. And she wants to invite others along for that journey.

I do not believe that fat/overweight/obese people are culturally or socially obligated to lose weight. I have come across the notion that they are, however, many a time. I do not believe that anyone is obligated to lose weight for anyone other than themself. If they want to lose weight (in a healthy way for healthy reasons), more power to them! If they are content at their weight and with their lifestyle, again, awesome! We don’t actually get to choose who has the right to be happy with who they are, contrary to what so many seem to think.

So, in the past, while my friend would express body dissatisfaction, she also was not motivated to make the changes to alter that (whether by adopting self-acceptance or by attempting to lose weight). (Please note, I’m not trying to imply that either option is easy or simple.) Again, unlike many think, you cannot cause someone to be motivated when they aren’t. You can encourage, you can inform, you can teach, but you cannot make another become motivated. Shaming won’t do it. Threatening won’t do it. One can only find motivation within oneself.

Now that my friend has found that motivation for herself, I was keen to encourage her in any way that I can. However, I’m terrible with naming things. I offered a few feeble suggestions, but we both acknowledged my shortcoming in this area, with a giggle.

Today, I asked her if she had decided on a name yet. She hadn’t. We had this conversation:

Her: No… What about Chasing Freedom…? Or Fat Girl No More? Haha
Me: I like the first better. The second might get you more followers. It’s much clearer what the point of the blog is.
Her: Haha true. But whenever I call myself “Fat girl”, even though it is NOT an insult to myself, my friends get mad. Haha So maybe not.
Me: I hate when people respond with things like, “You’re not fat, you’re gorgeous!” First of all, why can one not be both? And second, if I’m legitimately fat, why is it an insult to call myself fat, unless I’m doing so in a disparaging way?
Her: Exactly!

Seriously, why can’t you be both beautiful AND fat? Why do people act like they are mutually exclusive? You can be thin and beautiful, but apparently you can only be fat OR beautiful. And if you are actually, legitimately fat, it’s SO FRUSTRATING to have someone tell you you’re not fat. I’ve been there. It would be like me telling a woman, “You’re not a woman, you’re beautiful!” You don’t need to deny one fact about an individual in order to tell someone they are beautiful.

So please, stop telling people, “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!”

You’re not helping.

So much so

I’d much rather sleep with you.

I went to bed shortly after midnight last night. At 3am I was still awake. At 5am I was still awake. In fact, I didn’t fall asleep until sometime after 6am. Then I woke up at 9:30am. Because apparently my body thinks I don’t need to sleep.

Last night was miserable. I get these nights sometimes where my mind races with thoughts and I can’t lie still no matter how hard I try. Last night was one of these nights. I was frenetic, in both mind and body. After the first few hours, my body was tired from the constant, rapid moving/shaking/fidgeting and my mind was tired from the deluge of thoughts and lack of sleep, and still I couldn’t stop either.

I finally reached a point where I was determined to sleep. I would make myself relax if it was the last thing I did.

Would you like to take a guess as to how well that worked?

I have a feeling that before too long, I’ll be falling asleep and I’ll end up taking a nap. Because why would my body want to sleep when it’s supposed to when it can sleep whenever the hell it feels like it at the most inconvenient times?

I’ve been told that when you don’t get enough sleep, or don’t get good sleep, your metabolism slows. I really don’t need mine to slow down any more than it already is because I’m pretty sure it’s nearly zero as is.

Anyway, if I can stay awake today, I want to do something special as a sort of “last day of freedom” celebration/going away party?

At the very least, I need to keep myself occupied because thinking about tomorrow makes me sick to my stomach and I wonder for the hundredth time why I agreed to this and why I thought this was a good idea.

Tomorrow: public weigh-in, eating around strangers, and who knows what other horrors.

I’m going to go play Zelda or something.