Tag Archives: therapist

Vacation

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I met with my new eating disorder therapist yesterday. We went a half hour over our time, and I really like her so far.

Thursday morning I leave for California for two weeks with the fiance and I’m very excited, but also nervous. I know I’ll have to eat consistently, and won’t be able to purge like I’ve grown accustomed to again. I know these are technically good things, but the eating disorder part of my brain is screaming that it’s not going to be ok.

New Therapist Tomorrow

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Tomorrow I see my new eating disorder therapist. While I hate starting with new therapists, my last therapist gave me the tip to write up a sheet with a brief history of my eating disorder and my treatment goals so I don’t have to rehash everything all over again, I can just answer any specific questions my new therapist may have.

Eating has been going ok the last few days. I’ve been purging all my food, though. I’m really struggling. I had to really think about my treatment goals and think about whether I really want treatment right now. Like it has been so often, part of me does and part of me doesn’t.

My last therapy session

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Today was my last therapy session with my eating disorder therapist. She’s leaving the eating disorder center where I go to go into private practice. While I can’t fault her on this, it’s been rough on me. I have a hard time connecting well with therapists and I thought we had a good connection. I felt comfortable with her. I’m not looking forward to starting over with a new therapist. And I’m scared to not have a good relationship with the new one. My mind has been telling me this is a good point to just stop recovery and take a break from it all. I know, however, that this would mean going back to my eating disorder 100%. I’m not prepared to do that. I’ve worked to hard for the little bit of progress I’ve made. I need to keep working on recovery.

Outpatient

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So I’ve transitioned to outpatient. I met with my new outpatient therapist yesterday. I didn’t feel an instant connection with her, but I didn’t hate her, so that’s good at least.

The transition has been harder than I expected. I need to get into a better routine. I haven’t been eating consistently, and that’s been leading me to binge and purge a few times since I discharged. Today is the first time I ate breakfast in a while. My new therapist challenged me to set a schedule for my meals and to stick to it for the next week, so that’s what I’m going to try to do. Hopefully I can cut down on the binging and purging this way too.

Tomorrow I need to pack. Friday I’m going to Albuquerque for the weekend with my three brothers. We’re driving down Friday morning and driving back Sunday night. Luckily it’s not a long drive.

Today’s the Day

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Today is the day I’m going to try to not take any laxatives.

I’m nervous as hell about it. I’m anxious. I want to go take laxatives. I’ve actually considered calling my therapist and I don’t do phone calls.

Diet Day 3

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It’s Day 3, so 250 calories. Today for lunch, I’m going to eat a salad. The salad dressing and cheese will bring me right up to 250 calories.

This morning in therapy we did a chain analysis on my restricting. I started crying when we figured out that that I’m restricting because, since I can’t purge right now, the calories scare me and I just can’t handle them right now. I think I cried because of how much calories are scaring me right now. I just can’t do them. It’s too overwhelming. My therapist recognized that and didn’t make me commit to eating more. She did give me skills to use if I felt like I could handle trying to eat. We’ll see. Right now I just can’t.

Diary Cards

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This is the front and back of the diary cards I use with my DBT therapist. The front goes over urges I have for things I’m struggling with, things like cutting, binging and purging, and not eating, as well as emotions that I have, both positive and negative, and finally which urges I actually act on. The last column deals with whether I thought of using any skills, tried to use them, and whether they were effective.

On the backside, it lists ALL the DBT skills and I just mark off which skills I used that day. So far I know the skills in the first section labeled “Core Mindfulness”. The next module we’re going into I think is Distress Tolerance, so I’ll be learning those next. That’s a 6 week module.

I am supposed to fill it out each day, so I set an alarm on my phone to remember, because otherwise I don’t.

 

New Therapist and a New Nose

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I saw my new therapist this morning. It was hard. Every time you see a new therapist, you have to retell your life story. I definitely had a cry fest in her office. We also went over all my “behaviors” and came up with a plan of action to try to help me get better, which is what I so want. I’m just scared A) to do the work needed to do it, and B) scared to change. This week, I’m supposed to work on asking for help before I engage in behaviors, which I’m terrible at. I hate asking or help. I’m bad at it and I hate doing it and it’s hard and it hurts me physically. But that’s what my therapist wants me to work on this week.

After I met with my therapist, I went to see my surgeon, who cut stitches in my nose and took out the splints I had in my nostrils. That was painful! However, I can breathe!! My nose is straight and smooth and WORKS! I can chew my salad and BREATHE. I can take a drink of water and BREATHE! It’s amazing!! Who knew this was so cool?? My nose is still in a lot of pain. And I need to keep spraying it with the saline every hour for the next 3 weeks until I go back to see the surgeon again. My goal is to not purge during those 3 weeks. I have no idea how well this plan is going to work, but that’s the goal nonetheless.

Knitting, Swimming, and DBT

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See the scarf I’m making for a friend? I recently taught myself to knit. When I finished making my first scarf, a friend asked if I’d make her a yellow scarf, so I am! I really like knitting. It helps keep me occupied when I’m struggling. It also gives me something to do when I’m feeling bored and apathetic, which happens a lot lately.

I ran a lot of errands yesterday. First, I saw my therapist. She wants me to do a year-long DBT program. She thinks it could really help me. I think so too, but I’m not sure how I feel about making a year commitment. After seeing my therapist, I went to the eating disorder center where I just finished 4 months of treatment so I could pick up my scale that they were holding for me during treatment. Getting them to give it to me was like pulling teeth. I understand why they don’t want me to have it, but it IS mine.

One of the errands I ran yesterday was to get yarn. I didn’t have any after the first scarf I made, and I definitely didn’t have any yellow yarn. I may have purchased quite a bit of yarn. I got the yellow for my friend and some pink for my sister and some teal for myself and then a few other colors I just thought were cool. I don’t know what I’ll do with the extra yarn, but it was just so pretty.

Today I had physical therapy in the pool. I love pt in the pool. It makes me so much more sore and tired than doing it in the gym (which is so counterintuitive), but I have way more fun. Plus, I get to swim laps at the end. I love the water. It’s the one place I feel truly happy.