I didn’t used to be afraid of elevators. I used to enjoy when I had to take the elevator. It was like a mini theme park ride.
Today, I had to take an elevator. It filled me with fear.
I don’t think I mentioned in all the chaos that was going on while my dad was in the hospital (or maybe I did) that I got stuck in the hospital elevator on my last day there. The elevator fell several feet and then stopped, with me trapped inside. It terrified me. Mostly the fall. Now, I’m afraid every elevator is going to fall.
I keep crying.
I was reading the schedule for the partial hospitalization program abd it all started to sink in. Then I read the requirements for each level (determines your supervision and activity levels) and I started to freak out.
What if I can’t do this? What if I get there and I can’t eat my meals? What if my insurance doesn’t think I’m trying hard enough and cuts me off? What if I actually succeed in recovery? What am I without my bulimia? Who am I?
This has been my life for over 2 decades. I’m terrified to let it go. I don’t know what life looks like after recovery. Without my eating disorder. The thought of it terrifies me. Panic. Tears. Shortness of breath. I am completely afraid to move past this. To live a life without all I’ve known for so long.
In just over a month, I turn 30.
I can’t believe this.
I always thought I would have accomplished certain things by age 30. Graduating college, marrying, having children. Not being bulimic or depressed.
I haven’t accomplished any of that.
In fact, off the top of my head, I can’t tell you a single thing I haveaccomplished.
I don’t have a job and I can’t work. I’m in school, but I’m not doing great because bulimia is kicking my butt right now. I live with my parents again. I don’t even have the energy to set up my exercise bike.
I have never minded getting older. I was never worried about wrinkles or grey hairs. Being asked my age never bothered me.
However, all of a sudden, about 10 minutes ago, it hit me. I will be 30. And for some reason I can’t explain, I am terrified at the prospect.