Tag Archives: tears

Woke up crying. Twice.

Standard

I woke up from a dream at 5am, sobbing.

After calming down, I noticed I still felt sick. I didn’t know if it was a continuation from yesterday or from the laxatives I took before bed, but it made falling back asleep difficult.

I finally fell asleep sometime after 6:30 and my “don’t ever sleep past this time” alarm woke me at 9am. I was crying again.

I was down (weight) again, so I let myself eat breakfast.

Grief

Standard

The 3 year anniversary of my sister’s death is on Tuesday.

Three years and I still don’t know how to get past it.

I still can’t think of her without falling apart. I still don’t know how to deal with the pain. I still hate this time of year. The anniversary of her death, Thanksgiving, Christmas, her birthday.

I decided to go online and look for a grief workbook.

I couldn’t even do that without crying.

I feel so stuck. And broken.

Tears and laughter

Standard

I’m sitting here on my bed watching videos by two of my favorite youtubers (though I’m actually watching their Good Mythical Morning show) and I am crying while I push a spoonful of yogurt into my mouth. My tears are interspersed with laughter (because I find these two funny) and large amounts of guilt and self-loathing. 

Tears and laughter

Standard

I’m sitting here on my bed watching videos by two of my favorite youtubers (though I’m actually watching their Good Mythical Morning show) and I am crying while I push a spoonful of yogurt into my mouth. My tears are interspersed with laughter (because I find these two funny) and large amounts of guilt and self-loathing. 

A moment of sheer terror

Standard

I think my cat had a seizure. I was so scared I cried. I’m so worried for her. She’s my life and my baby. I can’t afford to take her to the vet. I feel like sucj a bad pet mother. I’m snuggling her, terrified she’s dying and there’s nothing I can do for her. 

Making progress!

Standard

Last night was pretty pretty terrible. My body was in so much fibromyalgia pain, combined with muscle fatigue, everything ached, and I just lay in my bed and cried. For a couple hours.

My sleep last night was fitful, and filled with unpleasant dreams. I woke up with a terrible migraine. I wanted to stay in bed, but I had to get up because people were coming by to inspect the units.

I didn’t have time right away to do my weighing routine because I still had a few thing to take care of this morning. (You know, making my bed, cleaning the cat litter, stuff I couldn’t really do last night, or needed to be done again.)

Because I hadn’t weighed yet, I couldn’t drink or eat anything because I needed to get as accurate a weight as possible. They about an hour after arriving (they kept going in and out, checking different things) and the first thing I did was run to the bathroom, undress, and weigh myself.

I was down 3 pounds. Finally, after a month of over exercising on top of my normal behaviors, and having absolutely NO weight loss, it’s starting to budge. It kind of makes me want to not start PHP next week because I’m finally making progress.

My subconscious is more self-aware than I am

Standard

I sat in a room and cried for you. I missed you so much. I sobbed and sobbed and I felt the pain.

And then I woke up.

I can’t properly grieve my sister’s death while I’m awake, so apparently I’ve started doing it in my sleep.

What the heck, body??

Standard

So first, I’m ravenous, and now I just can’t stop crying. I have no idea what my body’s up to.