Knitting, Swimming, and DBT

See the scarf I’m making for a friend? I recently taught myself to knit. When I finished making my first scarf, a friend asked if I’d make her a yellow scarf, so I am! I really like knitting. It helps keep me occupied when I’m struggling. It also gives me something to do when I’m feeling bored and apathetic, which happens a lot lately.

I ran a lot of errands yesterday. First, I saw my therapist. She wants me to do a year-long DBT program. She thinks it could really help me. I think so too, but I’m not sure how I feel about making a year commitment. After seeing my therapist, I went to the eating disorder center where I just finished 4 months of treatment so I could pick up my scale that they were holding for me during treatment. Getting them to give it to me was like pulling teeth. I understand why they don’t want me to have it, but it IS mine.

One of the errands I ran yesterday was to get yarn. I didn’t have any after the first scarf I made, and I definitely didn’t have any yellow yarn. I may have purchased quite a bit of yarn. I got the yellow for my friend and some pink for my sister and some teal for myself and then a few other colors I just thought were cool. I don’t know what I’ll do with the extra yarn, but it was just so pretty.

Today I had physical therapy in the pool. I love pt in the pool. It makes me so much more sore and tired than doing it in the gym (which is so counterintuitive), but I have way more fun. Plus, I get to swim laps at the end. I love the water. It’s the one place I feel truly happy.

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Checking in

I have received some concerned messages from my contact page mentioning that I haven’t posted lately, so I thought I’d check in.

My friend from out of state came into town on Friday morning and I’ve been staying at my brothers’ place, with her, since. All three of my brothers, my brother’s girlfriend, my friend, and I are all here for the week.

We’ve been playing lots of games, watching movies, drinking vodka, and just generally enjoying each other’s company.

The last two days, we’ve gone swimming. Yesterday, I didn’t go with them at first. My brother’s girlfriend is much thinner than I am and I felt really uncomfortable being in a swimsuit around her. However, after about an hour, I decided to go join them.

Today, we went swimming for about 5 hours, alternating between the pool and the hot tub. It got up to 105 degrees this afternoon, but the water was still cold, so after about an hour in the pool we’d get cold, hang out in the hot tub until we got too hot, then go back to the pool. It was great.

I still wasn’t comfortable being in my swimsuit around K or strangers, but I did enjoy myself for the most part, especially when I was in the water.

We also walked to McDonald’s at 5am the other day. We’d been drinking all night and I guess we got hungry. One brother asked me to call them and ask what time their lobby opened, which was 5am. So, just before 5:00 we headed over. I feel bad for the guy who took our orders because we were very drunk and probably obnoxious.

I’ve been purging everything I eat, but I have tried to cut back on the laxatives just to keep from embarrassing myself. I feel like I’m eating SO MUCH food. I feel sick and fat and disgusting. Plus, I keep getting texts from people asking why I’m not in treatment. And I don’t have my bike here.

I keep wanting to go use their fitness center, but that would mean leaving my friend alone and I feel like it would be rude. Especially since I’d probably spend hours in there.

Right now, my friend and one of my brothers is doing a food and booze run, which is why I have a moment to check in.

I’ll be here for another week, so my posts will probably be sporadic during that time.

I do check my comments and email throughout the day, so if you send me warm thoughts, I will see them.