Painting Pottery

I spent time with my friend today. We had a lot of fun. We walked around a giant mall and she spent a ton of money. We also painted mugs! Above is mine, pre-glaze and firing. They said it’ll take 4-7 days for that. I can’t wait to see it all done! The colors will be darker/brighter and it’ll be all shiny!

We went in several clothing stores. I hate clothing stores an avoid them like the plague. I honestly don’t even know when I was last in one before today. I hate the ads and the mannequins and the mirrors and the dressing rooms and the other people looking at me, probably judging me. And the clothes, I hate the clothes.

I did get a snack while I was out. This friend is someone I met in PHP so I feel more comfortable eating around her than most people. I got something safe, but I ate nonetheless. She’s still rocking recovery and I wanted to support her.

I also finished the hat for my friend’s scarf today, so I can send her those. Next I’m going to work on tiny hats and scarves for my toddler niece and nephew! Hopefully, by the time I finish those, my book on left-handed knitting will be here and I’ll be able to branch out a little!

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Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Glenn 2.0 nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! I feel incredibly honored and humbled.

The rule for this award are:

• Thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.
• List the rules and display the award.
• Share seven facts about yourself.
• Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
• Optional: Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you.

Seven facts about me:

1. I am one of seven kids. I loved growing up in a large family. There was always someone to talk to and always someone to do things with. I have three sisters and three brothers, three older siblings and three younger siblings. No matter what I wanted to do, there was someone to do it with. We grew up camping and playing outdoors, we had family game nights on Fridays and played lots of board and card games growing up. We would have movie nights with popcorn. I can’t actually think of anything right off hand that I didn’t like about having a large family.
2. I went to college for sign language interpreting. I didn’t finish the degree (I have one year left) because my eating disorder made me too sick to continue. However, at some point, I’d like to go back and finish it. I love signing and I love the deaf community. I also have a deaf niece (born after I started my degree).
3. When I feel stuck in life, I have a tendency to cut my hair (myself, in the bathroom, with scissors). It makes me feel like I can make a positive change in my life. As a result, I’ve had every length of hair, including once when I shaved my head, and I even had a mohawk once.
4. Rice, popcorn, and potatoes are my three favorite foods in the world. However, I rarely eat popcorn because it’s painful to purge.
5. I’ve been in and out of hospitals and treatment since I was 16. That’s 14 years. Sometimes it’s been helpful, sometimes it hasn’t, but it definitely makes me feel “different” a lot of the time, abnormal and strange, and at times it’s very exhausting.
6. Very few people in my life know what I’m going through right now, and no one knows the extent. I hate talking about it with people, it feels awkward and strained. I also don’t like people worrying about me, plus most people in my life don’t understand any of it. I also feel like I let people down by struggling so much, or feel like a failure, and that’s not a feeling I want to share with most people.
7. My days right now are really, really boring because I’m so wrapped up in my eating disorder. It makes it hard for me to come up with 7 facts about myself. My days basically consist of binge, purge, laxatives, exercise, and repeat until bed.

Bonus: I hate shingles commercials. “The shingles virus is already inside you.” Thanks. I hate you now.

My nominations:

1. http://crystalbunneh.wordpress.com/ – This girl has been through a lot, and she’s just coping the best that she knows how. I hope that she is able to find healing and wholeness
2. http://thefatballerinablogs.wordpress.com/
3. http://right2recovered.wordpress.com/
4. http://ambivalencegirl.wordpress.com/ – Numbers 2, 3, and 4 have helped me so much during the last few months that I’ve had this blog (Ballerina even longer). They encourage me, they support me, they leave wonderful notes on my blog, and they struggle day in and day out but keep fighting. I consider these 3 wonderful ladies my WordPress support group.
5. http://letmeseemykids.wordpress.com/ – This guy lost his children and wife due to drug addiction and is now working hard to turn his life around, and the lives of his three precious boys. He inspires me to keep going when it doesn’t seem worth it, or possible.
6. http://glenn2point0.wordpress.com/ – He always has a word of encouragement or advice for me, and is one of my most active commenters. Don’t ever underestimate the power of a kind word to someone who is struggling.
7. http://seethebrightsideoflife.wordpress.com/ – This girl writes every post in two languages! I sometimes just struggle to post in a single language! I also enjoy her insights and humor, and I love to learn about life in a country I don’t usually hear much about.
8. http://recoverybound27.wordpress.com/
9. http://darlingimbroken.wordpress.com/
10. http://cagednomore.org/
11. http://maniccottoncandy.wordpress.com/
12. http://twirlybunny.wordpress.com/ – Numbers 8-12 are all blogs I frequent. They inspire me because they all struggle, but they all keep going. Sometimes, just knowing there’s someone out there who is also struggling but has the strength to continue is a huge help for me.
13. http://tracybrighton.wordpress.com/
14. http://tomagcro.com/
15. http://edhusband.wordpress.com/ – Numbers 13-15 are not always updated very often, but they each offer the unique perspective of someone who is trying to support an individual with an eating disorder: a mother, a father, and a husband, respectively.

Trying to Stay Grounded

My day before treatment was pretty bad.

I got up early to go to a doctor appointment, and got a call one minute before I planned to leave telling me my doctor wouldn’t be in the office today. I rescheduled for next Wednesday.

Then, I went back to bed, having a migraine. I stayed in bed until around noon. I got up, binged and purged, then played The Sims until the last minute instead of studying for my final, took a shower, and left.

I was really nauseous during dinner and despite trying really hard, I couldn’t finish and had to boost.

After dinner was art. I enjoy art. Tonight I made grounding stones out of clay. They’re kind of like worry stones, but I made them to re-ground myself when I’m freaking out, feeling the need to self-harm, or feeling suicidal.

They’re all different shapes and sizes. I put a word on the bottom of each. Some are smooth and some are textured. I’m hoping they will help ground me. I want to paint them next week, then maybe I’ll take pictures and show you.

After art we had the friends and family group. My dad came.

He didn’t seem to be at all interested or present during group, but afterward in the car, he told me he was glad he came, and he’ll keep coming.

I was shocked.

My goal for tomorrow is to follow my meal plan.

Receiving support

On Tuesday, we talked about support and how to choose the right support people for different levels of support.

That night, I also opened up to the other people in my treatment group about how I’ve been really struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. That was really hard for me, but not nearly as hard as what I did next.

I asked for support. I asked if they would each take a take and do something with me on their day, whether it’s get together for lunch for that accountability, or just hang out for a couple hours.

I expected maybe one or two people to be willing. I expected no one to be enthused about the idea.

To my great surprise, they all seemed to really like the idea.

Yesterday, I spent a few hours with E. She and I drove around downtown, she’s new to the area (she came here from out of state for treatment) and I showed her all the fun attractions and art around town. Then, we went to a used bookstore I love; she also loves books. I had a great time.

Today, S and I had a picnic in the park and then spent 4 hours talking. We both ended up sun burned. Neither of us thought to think of the sun. It’s been winter so long.

Tomorrow, I’ll be writing my final essay of the term. All day.

Saturday, I’m going to a wildlife reserve with A. I’m excited and nervous about that. Not because of the animals, but because I have had a migraine for about a week straight and my fibromyalgia has been acting up and I’m just not sure I’ll be up to it.

The combination of giving up my self-harm items, and meeting with someone from treatment every day has really helped me.

I’ve been doing pretty well at following my meal plan. At least for meals. I’m not eating the snacks yet, but I’m overwhelmed with just the meals still.

Now I just need to cut out the binging and purging.

My review is tomorrow, I really hope my insurance approves more time.