Tag Archives: suffocating

Treatment is having the opposite of the desired effect


Yesterday was not a good day.

The night before, I had a terrible migraine and should have gone to the ER, but I simply didn’t want to.

I woke up yesterday morning with the migraine even worse. I went straight to the ER.

I spent the rest of the morning and a good portion of the day in the ER. I was severely dehydrated, they told me, and had to have a few rounds of fluids AND drink water before they would let me leave. I also wasn’t responding well to the pain meds like I normally do, they think as a result of the dehydration.

After I was discharged, I went straight to treatment.

I had an appointment with my nutritionist. She told me she thinks I need a higher level of care.

I cried.

She helped me set more attainable food goals for this next week.

I cried again, feeling overwhelmed.

Then I went to dinner with the plan of eating it all. I couldn’t. I got through 80% and had to boost.

Between groups I talked with my counselor. I told her how overwhelmed I feel all the time and how I feel like I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. She told me she agrees with the nutritionist and thinks I need a higher level of care.

I cried.

I honestly don’t know how I would cope with being there all day, every day. I can’t get through dinner, let alone eating all my meals and snacks there.

I feel like I’m at the bottom of the ocean, under all that pressure, with no oxygen. I feel like I’m about to implode from the pressure and pass out because I can’t catch my breath.

All the time.

The only time I feel a sense of relief is when I come home at night after treatment and binge and purge. And that’s sort of counterproductive. I feel like treatment is just reinforcing my behaviors because it’s proving how useful they are for me.