The last few days I’ve been pretty stable. My mood has been pretty alright, I haven’t been up or down, I haven’t been depressed or manic, I haven’t been suicidal or making impulsive (read stupid) decisions, I’ve been ok. And frankly, it’s freaking me out.
I just don’t know how to deal with being “normal” or steady or okay. I am so used to being sick and broken and in crisis that being stable feels so foreign it feels wrong. I feel like I need to do something. Like I need to be sick again so I need to do something drastic that will prove that no, really, I am still struggling. Steady scares me. Okay makes me anxious.
I don’t know how long this period of stability will last, but I’m trying to learn to handle it. To not let the uncomfortableness with the newness of it cause me to make any poor decisions. I’m trying to learn how to deal with just being ok without letting it push me back to the sickness I’m trying so hard to recovery from.