Tag Archives: sickness

Back into my old routine

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Apparently binging and purging is a daily occurrence again. I’ve been doing it every day and I don’t know how I got myself to stop before. Oh, wait, yes I do. I was in treatment and being monitored all day. I don’t have that option now. I’m not sick enough again to go back into that kind of all day treatment. Just sick enough to feel stuck in a pattern of being sick.

Growing lax, a little scared

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One day last week I was having a very rough day and I made a stupid decision. I ordered laxatives online. I can’t go into a store and buy them because I don’t have a car, so at the moment, whenever I go to the store, it’s with my dad, and he sticks pretty close. (I honestly think he’s scared of me buying laxatives because I’ve been in the ER several times due to them in the last year.) So, I ordered some online.

However, the next day, I came to my senses. I knew that’s not the road I want to go back down, so I went to the website I ordered from and canceled the order. I wasn’t charged for my order as it hadn’t shipped yet. I felt relieved. I had managed to counteract my bad decision.

Then, Tuesday, when I was over at my brothers’ place, I got a notification that my package had been delivered. What?? I canceled that! I double checked my account. Nope, I was never charged. I texted home and asked if I had a package. Yep, I did. Well, shit. What now? I thought about it the whole time I was gone. It was just sitting at home. What if someone found out I was ordering laxatives??

When I finally got home, I whisked it away to my room, but I didn’t open it. It’s still sitting in my room, unopened. I’m scared to open it, and scared to throw it away. A part of me sooo wants to open it and start using laxatives again. I miss them. Part of me likes being more healthy and doesn’t want to be sick all the time, which I will be if I start using them again. Yet, I can’t get myself to throw them away. It feels like an opportunity lost to do so, and I just can’t bring myself to do it.

And so, they remain, unopened, taunting me.

How to deal with being ok?

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The last few days I’ve been pretty stable. My mood has been pretty alright, I haven’t been up or down, I haven’t been depressed or manic, I haven’t been suicidal or making impulsive (read stupid) decisions, I’ve been ok. And frankly, it’s freaking me out.

I just don’t know how to deal with being “normal” or steady or okay. I am so used to being sick and broken and in crisis that being stable feels so foreign it feels wrong. I feel like I need to do something. Like I need to be sick again so I need to do something drastic that will prove that no, really, I am still struggling. Steady scares me. Okay makes me anxious.

I don’t know how long this period of stability will last, but I’m trying to learn to handle it. To not let the uncomfortableness with the newness of it cause me to make any poor decisions. I’m trying to learn how to deal with just being ok without letting it push me back to the sickness I’m trying so hard to recovery from.