Tag Archives: shower

What depression looks like: showering

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I showered this morning. In fact, as I type this, I’m sitting on my bed in a robe with wet, and partially brushed hair.

This may seem like no big deal to most.

However, when you are clinically depressed, it might just be.

I didn’t shower for over a week before this morning. I hate admitting it. I don’t admit those kinds of things to my closest friends. My mind equates poor hygiene with laziness, and I literally cannot admit to anyone anything that might even imply laziness. 

It’s not that I didn’t want to shower. I felt vile and disgusting and fee things will make you feel worse about yourself than truly awful personal hygiene. I didn’t want to see or be seen. I hated myself for not showering. 

So why didn’t  I just shower?

Did you know that depression can cause extreme fatigue? I’m not talking “I went to bed too late so I’m tired”, I’m talking “I haven’t slept in days and my whole body aches with weariness and my brain literally hurts from exhastion and even thinking about moving feels overwhelming and I might cry if I consider it too long” complete and total fatigue.

Did you know this  kind of overwhelming fatigue can completely override your life? Your sense of hunger, your will to maintain your hygiene, any interest in anything at all?

Did you know that depression is often accompanied by another illness such as fibromyalgia, low thyroid, or any number of things that can ALSO cause fatigue? 

I have hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia. At the moment, I’m not on anything for the fibromyalgia because the last med I took to control it left me wanting to stab myself and literally sew my mouth shut. My doctor thought it best to taper off of it instead of continuing the risk of me doing some permanent, and possibly fatal, harm to myself. So now I have to wait until Thursday to discuss new options.

In the meantime, I’m left with uncontrolled fibromyalgia and uncontrolled depression and when you combine those, it’s hard to function at a level that resembles human.

Sothis morning, I finally have the tiniest spark of energy and I FORCE myself to shower. I throw on a robe and collapse on my bed for a while. Finally, I’ve regained enough energy to brush my hair.

Where is my hairbrush? I couldn’t find it anywhere, which is odd since I only use it in one place.

Suddenly, it occurred to me: it might still be in my duffel bag. 

You see, last weekend, I went to my brothers’ place. Naturally, I packed my brush. And since I’ve neither showered, nor brushed my haor, in over a week, I had never unpacked it.

Naturally.

All over you

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I decided one last quick binge/purge session for the night would be a good idea. I filled the sink with hot, soapy water and the dirty dishes from today. Then, I filled a pot with water and set it to boil. 

While I washed dishes, I also made a pot of pasta. The dishes and the food got done at the same time. How convenient! I snarfed down the pasta, cleaned the pot and bowl, and went to purge. 

That’s when the disaster happened. 

Here I am, minding my own business, puking my guts, thinking everything is fine. 

It was about to be very un-fine. 

I gagged myself, and right as the food came out, for seemingly no reason at all, my head jerked forward. Instead of spraying into the toilet, I sprayed ALL OVER myself. 

It was like a vomit shower, and I was both the shower head, and the person showering. 

In a split second I went from being happily purging to being drenched in my own regurgitated food, stomach acid, and bile. My shirt was soaked through and it was dripping down my bare legs where it was pooling around my feet. 

What do you do when such a thing happens? Well, after the shock wore off, I finished purging as quickly as possible, stripped down and cleaned myself up. New clothes and lots of soap later, I still feel dirty.