Tag Archives: selfish

Your own worst enemy

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don-t-eat-you-re-fat-enough

I was having a conversation with the boy about how my disordered thoughts have been getting worse lately. Then I showed him this picture. It’s the lock screen on my phone. A reminder of how disgusting I am, just in case I were to forget.

He told me that I am my own worst enemy.

I said I know. I just don’t know how to change that.

Right now, my hands are stinging. In an extra effort to ensure I remember not to eat, I cut all over both hands, assuming I can’t eat without seeing them and being reminded how undeserving of food I am.

Today was also my late sister’s birthday. I worked hard to ignore it. However, despite my best efforts, I felt suicidal and self-destructive all day.

It’s getting harder to hang on. A friend’s father committed suicide today. I felt like a total ass for being jealous.

I’m trying to at least get past the holidays.  I know they’re hard enough for my family after losing my sister. I’m trying, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep going.

I spent New Year’s Eve in the ER last year, I’m trying not to repeat that. Plus, my mom’s birthday is in a few days.

People say that those who commit suicide are selfish. Suicidal people almost always think of their families and friends. Each day, each moment is, “Can I hold on for now, for them? Can I keep going? Can I do this to spare them the pain?” But I know that sooner or later, the answer will be no. I can’t do this, I can’t hang on any more. I’ve lost too much footing and I’m about to fall and be swallowed up by it.

Because I am my own worst enemy…and I don’t know how to destroy myself and remain intact. One of these days, one of us has to go. And if one of me dies, we both die.

Eating is selfish

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I went to the store this morning. I bought food.

A lot of food.

The whole time I was shopping, I had this horrible feeling of impending doom. A nagging feeling that I shouldn’t be spending this money on all this food.

Or any food.

I bought a combination of normal food and binge food. More regular food than binge food.

I went to the checkout and stood in line unable to hide the shame of being a fat person buying food.

I avoided eye contact and I rushed out of the store as quickly as possible.

When I got home, I thought about posting that I finally did something with my money, and that I chose the selfish option.

After a few minutes, it occurred to me that I equate buying food for myself with being selfish. Eating is the ultimate selfish act.

I am a selfish person, and I consistently waste food on a person who doesn’t deserve to eat.

Instead of using my money to buy gifts for my now two friends who just had babies, instead of getting something for my newly engaged friend, instead of buying anything for any number of people, I spent that money on myself.

Because I am selfish.

Because I’m selfish

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I was told I am selfish for not wanting to live. Not that I am selfish for planning or attempting suicide, just for the sole lack of desire to exist. 

I was also told I’m selfish for not caring enough about others to stop being bulimic. I am selfish for making them worry. 

You know what helps someone who is struggling, who already thinks little of themself? Telling them that you agree with all the horrible things they think about themselves already. Telling them how selfish and inconsiderate they are. Not only will that make them see the error of their ways, it’ll guilt them into being less selfish and more mentally healthy. 

Oh…wait…