Tag Archives: scale

Indecisiveness if getting the better of me

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So, I’ve been purging again. I managed to go two and a half weeks while letting my mouth heal. However, it doesn’t seem to be healing very quickly, and I couldn’t hold out anymore. Let me tell you, purging with 4 gaping holes in your mouth is pretty painful. Don’t do it. (I should make a list of all the hypocritical advice I give out.)

I was given $50. At first I was excited. Now, I just feel anxious. I’ve had it for a few days and still have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes, I want to spend it on registration for some 5k races. Other times, I want to use it to buy groceries, like a responsible, non-disordered adult should do. Still other times I want to buy ALL the binge food, or order something to binge on like Chinese or pizza. Lastly, I sometimes want to use it to buy things I need or want.

I’ve filled up my cart on Amazon about 6 times with different items, getting to the final check out screen, but unable to actually submit the order. I’ve thought a dozen times of asking for a ride to the grocery store. I’ve filled out the registration information for 3 or 4 different races I want to do in the next couple months.

I never commit to any of them.

I feel like I’m sitting on a treasure with no clue what I’m supposed to do with it.

I look at my scale and rush to buy diet pills and laxatives.

I try to study, feel overwhelmed, and almost pick up the phone to order food.

I look at other people eating normal meals and feel guilty that I currently have crackers, Boca patties, and yogurt in my house. Is this recovery? No, buy normal food.

I feel bored and think of various games or books I want to buy.

Why can’t I just pick something?

Then I feel guilty for being so selfish. Maybe I should use the money to buy a gift for my friend who just had a baby. Maybe I should help out my sister, who’s moving several hours away from her home. Maybe I should do something sweet for my parents. Maybe I should buy something special for my kitty.

I look at my balance. I close the app on my phone. A few hours later, I check it again, no closer to a decision.

Why?

I’ve never had trouble spending money.

I love to shop. Plus, I can always think of something bulimia-related that I “need”. Why the difference this time?

All the emotions

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This chart looks like the daily fluctuation of my weight. -__-

Guess who got a new battery for her scale today? That’s right! This girl!

My dad brought it home about 10 minutes ago. Naturally, the first this I did was go weigh myself. I’m up 7 pounds from when I last weighed. This is so frustrating. I’ve cut my workouts back to a healthy 1-2 hours a day, but I don’t eat over 600 calories most days, and often under 400. And yet, I gained 7 pounds. I guess I’ll just have to increase my workouts again.

So, on the one hand I’m really happy to have my scale back, and on the other, I’m so frustrated about gaining so much weight. Also, I purged just now for the first time in about a week after freaking out over a bowl of soup, and my right arm won’t stop shaking. It’s making it hard to type or use my mouse. Plus, it’s just simply annoying.

I started running again. I’ve been going on walks every day, and I found myself missing running. Like, physically, I ached to run. So, this morning, I did.

I can’t run far anymore, I haven’t done it in 6 years. However, I was pleased to just see that I could indeed run. I alternated walking and running for a couple miles and wound my way back home this way. It was exhilarating. How I have missed it! I also have come to appreciate biking more and more lately. When I ran before, I hated cycling, I didn’t own a bike and I didn’t use them at the gym. However, now, I bike every day, and I have noticed the strength in my legs when I run. My lungs still need to catch up, but my legs were just fine! I wish I had discovered this “secret” years earlier.

I, unfortunately, am not getting a lot of school work done. I made the mistake of checking out 13 books from the library. I just want to read all day, and tend to, instead of studying. I really need to get on it. My goal for tomorrow is to actually focus on my school work, at least for a little bit.

The saddest day ever

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I got up today and went to weigh myself, but every time I tried, my scale displayed “LO” instead, indicating the battery is dying.

I unscrewed the battery door to see if I had any of the batteries it takes, but I don’t. Sad, sad day. I’m rather distraught. I literally have no money right now, so no new battery for me.

If anyone wants to send me a new battery for my birthday (which is on Thursday) I wouldn’t complain. 😉

New Counselor and an old friend

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I saw a new counselor today. Since I’m switching to outpatient, I have to switch to an outpatient therapist. I feel like I’m starting over.

This was also the third time in a week I’ve had to go through the details of my eating disorder with a new person. (Once at the hospital, once with the county behavioral health guy, and again today)

My new counselor is ok. I didn’t instantly click with her like I did my IOP counselor, but we’ll just see how it goes. She gave me a lot of homework for this week. She also wants me to do some art this week. I don’t do any at home, only in art therapy, which I don’t have anymore.

I also (!!!) got my scale back!

Naturally, the first thing I did when I got home was weigh myself.

I ate 360 calories today, which I purged. It was really nice to have a break from binging and purging. I think my body and mind both needed that.

I understand that 360 calories is not enough, but I’m having a lot of trouble convincing myself that it’s ok to eat outside my binges, so at least it was something.

Tomorrow I am going over to my brothers’ place for the weekend. I am not looking forward to foodness. Especially since my family is having another picnic on Sunday. Bleh.

Missing my scale

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This is how I feel without my scale.

The other day, I actually cried when I saw the space my scale used to occupy.

This morning after I didn’t go to the doctor, therefore didn’t get to know my current weight, I decided I needed me scale back.

I emailed my counselor, telling her this.

She responded, “I didn’t have the chance to see you today and I’m out until Tuesday. Make sure to talk to [nutritionist] about this, and I’d like to talk to you about it, too. I know it’s really difficult once you give that thing up…hang in there.”

I don’t want to hang in there, and I don’t want to wait until Tuesday to get my scale back. I am frustrated.

Losing a friend and an enemy

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Today, I took my scale, my blades, and my knives to my counselor.

Giving over the sharps wasn’t that difficult, I really would like to stop cutting. However, handing her my scale was hard. It was like losing a friend. It felt like betrayal.

I am also scared. I’m afraid that without knowing the number, I will be too afraid to eat. That I shall feel all the time like I am gaining. That I have lost the one thing that grounds me. I’m scared of so many things. I want to run back and demand the return of my scale.

But I won’t. I know I need this. I may hate it and I may panic at the thought of not being able to weigh in the morning, but this is necessary for me, for my recovery.

On another note, I went out for coffee with a friend today. It was nice. I spent way too much time worrying about my drink, being perceived as gluttonous, whether I was drinking too fast, etc. However, I still enjoyed myself.

I also tried very hard to follow my meal plan today. I did pretty well, but not 100%. I wasn’t able to finish dinner at the center because it was too spicy and my mouth and throat were burning, but I really tried. The boost helped soothe it some, so for once I was excited to drink it.

My treatment team is still worried about me. I hate having people worry. It’s why I haven’t told my family or friends how much I’m struggling.

I’m meeting another friend for coffee tomorrow. I realized last night that I need to get out more and I need to connect with others more. It helps me to get outside my own head. So I’m making a concerted effort to do that more.

I’ve been avoiding my nutritionist, but I should probably go see her sometime this week.

Tomorrow I have to go in early to work on my relapse prevention plan. I also need to do counseling homework. Oh, and write my stupid 25 page episode. And study for finals. Gah! I have so much to do. I need to make out a prioritized task list.

Tomorrow. Tonight, I need to sleep.

My body creates fat spontaneously

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This is pretty much how I feel right now.

Apparently, with eating 15% of my dinner, a cup of boost, and a few crackers last night, I managed to gain over a pound yesterday.

How?

Your guess is as good as mine. Probably better than mine.

This definitely doesn’t inspire me to follow my meal plan at all today. I’m going to go back on Monday, get weighed, and they’re going to exclaim about how much weight I’ve gained.