I had to give up my scale today. I cried when I walked past the spot where it normally sits. I miss my scale. It’s so hard not weighing myself obsessively. It’s so hard not knowing that number. It’s so hard giving up that control. Imagine the song below is a song to my scale.
I miss my scale so much, and it’s only been gone less than a day. I might do some art around this. My scale really is the voice inside my head. It dictates so much about how my day will go, how I will eat, how my mood will be, how much I will exercise, etc. I feel lost without it.
The other morning after weighing my head was so loud I didn’t want to eat breakfast. My mind was telling me all sorts of things like I don’t deserve food, I am unworthy of food, I’m too lazy and fat for food, etc. I just wanted the voices to stop. I drew out what the scale was telling me, with myself in the corner with my hands over my ears trying not to listen. The brown background signifies the overall mental confusion in my head that morning.
Yesterday was rough. I binged and purged twice instead of following my meal plan. Then, this morning, the scale said I had gained 6 pounds since yesterday morning. Ugh! I can’t even deal today. I don’t know whether or not I’m going to try to follow my meal plan today. I want to fast so I can lost that weight I gained binging yesterday. But I also know that if I don’t try then I won’t be working toward recovery, which is what I ultimately want, even if it doesn’t feel like I want it right now. I don’t know. I’m just overwhelmed and exhausted.
After seeing the scale just now, being up all night dealing with a laxative overdose was worth it.
For the next week, 2 of my meals per day will be smoothies and shakes. I was already having a fruit and yogurt smoothie for lunch each day. Now I’ve incorporated Shakeology shakes. I got samples from a friend-of-a-friend who sells them. I have a week’s worth. They claim to give you energy and reduce cravings, so I’ll probably have them for lunch instead and have my smoothie for dinner.
I’m excited for this. Maybe this is the change I need to finally get that scale moving again.
Well, it’s happened. My weight is up today. No food for me.
I have rituals I have to follow when it comes to weighing myself, which I do every morning.
I used to weigh myself all day long, back when I was anorexic. But now that I binge, it just depresses me because my weight shoots up mid-day and I just end up hating myself even more and it’s not good.
So, every morning, I get up and the first thing I do is use the bathroom. I make sure my hands are exceptionally dry after I wash them so I don’t have any extra weight from the water. I make sure to wear the same thing each morning. I used to weigh naked, but I can’t do that right now.** I ensure the scale is in the same spot and stable, all four legs touching the floor. I make sure nothing is in my hair, I’m not wearing any jewelry, there’s nothing that could possibly be showing up as excess weight. Then, I tap my scale to turn it on. With my scale, I don’t have to do that, but it makes me feel better to see 0.0 before stepping on, knowing it’s tared correctly. Then, I stand as still as possible for a 10 count so it can get the most accurate reading possible, then I look down. I then record the weight in an app on my phone. Rinse and repeat tomorrow.
Right now, thought I’m ecstatic with the numbers it’s giving me, I’m beginning to suspect my scale is lying to me. Today it says I’m a pound and a half down from yesterday. That’s a big jump in one day and, while I really want to believe it, it’s hard to believe my body dropped that much weight overnight.
**My apartment has the weirdest layout and to get to the bathroom, my roommates have to go through my bedroom, so I don’t ever get naked in my bedroom, and the bathroom floor is too uneven for the scale to work correctly.
I am down another quarter of a pound today! Things are finally moving in the right direction!
I have physical therapy today and they always push me, so I’m looking forward to that.
Overall I’m feeling elated.
I wish weight loss was that easy. Maybe it’s because I have severe hypothyroidism, or maybe it’s because of the over 20 years of eating disorders messing with my metabolism, but it’s easy for me to gain weight and super difficult for me to lose anything.
For the last couple weeks, I’ve been working out for at least an hour every day. Yet, no budge on the scale. Finally, this morning, I was down 0.4 pound! It’s about time! Hopefully this is the start of momentum and not just a little blip.
See the scarf I’m making for a friend? I recently taught myself to knit. When I finished making my first scarf, a friend asked if I’d make her a yellow scarf, so I am! I really like knitting. It helps keep me occupied when I’m struggling. It also gives me something to do when I’m feeling bored and apathetic, which happens a lot lately.
I ran a lot of errands yesterday. First, I saw my therapist. She wants me to do a year-long DBT program. She thinks it could really help me. I think so too, but I’m not sure how I feel about making a year commitment. After seeing my therapist, I went to the eating disorder center where I just finished 4 months of treatment so I could pick up my scale that they were holding for me during treatment. Getting them to give it to me was like pulling teeth. I understand why they don’t want me to have it, but it IS mine.
One of the errands I ran yesterday was to get yarn. I didn’t have any after the first scarf I made, and I definitely didn’t have any yellow yarn. I may have purchased quite a bit of yarn. I got the yellow for my friend and some pink for my sister and some teal for myself and then a few other colors I just thought were cool. I don’t know what I’ll do with the extra yarn, but it was just so pretty.
Today I had physical therapy in the pool. I love pt in the pool. It makes me so much more sore and tired than doing it in the gym (which is so counterintuitive), but I have way more fun. Plus, I get to swim laps at the end. I love the water. It’s the one place I feel truly happy.