I don’t know what to do if my insurance again refuses to cover treatment. Maybe I will just never eat again. I don’t want to go back to binging and purging. After almost a week without it, and basically without food, the thought of going back sounds exhausting
I’m still not eating. I’ve accepted it at this point. I’ve embraced it.
It feels like a calm, cloudy day. One of those days when it’s abnormally silent. I’m not sure how to describe it. A sweet calm.
Unfortunately, I’m also struggling to consume water. Not only that, but to have the desire to drink water.
In other news, I didn’t go out today. The friend I was supposed to go out with this afternoon wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t actually have bus money to get to that support group. I need to pull out some cash.
I also slept until noon today. I think probably because I was awake most of the night running to the bathroom. Thank you, laxatives, and thank you, me, for taking so many yesterday during my little freak out.
My alarm went off this morning and I was so tired that I didn’t even stay awake long enough to reset it. When I did finally get up, I exercised, took laxatives (I know…), took my meds (yay!), took my diet pills (shhh…), then spent several hours in pain and nausea, still feeling the effects of yesterday’s laxative debacle.
I eventually found a position where, if I held really still, it almost didn’t hurt. I took it easy on the laxatives today.
Tomorrow I’m (in theory) hanging out with a different friend. I have zero idea what we’re doing. It’ll be nice to get out, but I’m also dreading it. I don’t know why it’s so hard to actually go out and do things when I know that I enjoy myself once I’m out.
I’m going to bed soon and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep pretty quickly. You would think that, with eating one meal (that was purged) in the last four days, I would be tired. However, I find myself having a harder and harder time falling asleep. It’s highly frustrating. There are fewer things I dislike more than lying awake at night trying to sleep.
Wish me luck!
So I ate! Ugh…
I ate 9 pieces of candy (Reese’s Pieces) and now I feel so sick. Pure sugar was NOT the best idea to eat after not eating for a few days. I feel like I might be sick. -____-
I still haven’t been able to eat anything.
I am getting some water down, and I remembered to take my meds today, which is good.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night, so I got up at 6am after trying for hours to sleep. I had been wanting to cut, this seems to come up more when I’m sleep deprived, so I grabbed a coloring book and my colored pencils and colored for a bit while I listened to The Wonder Years on Netflix.
After everyone else woke up, I went and used my bike until I thought I couldn’t pedal anymore, and then made myself keep going. Afterward I took a shower. It’s a good thing there’s a bench in my shower, or I wouldn’t have made it, my legs were like liquid.
I have taken both weight loss pills and laxatives today, but I’m feeling pretty good.
On a positive note, I told a friend about my ride situation and she offered to take me to my behavioral health appointment in the morning. I’m very relieved. I know that I need to go tomorrow, and if I had to reschedule, I’m not sure I’d work up the strength to go.
In other news, my x-rays are scheduled for next Thursday to see whether or not I have rheumatoid arthritis. I’m looking forward to that just so I can find out one way or the other.
I need to study today. I’m scared of failing my classes. I just can’t seem to get myself to actually do it. I also want to exercise again before I go to bed. Hopefully I can actually sleep tonight.
I feel like there’s more I want to write, more I want to express, but I can’t seem to actually form it into anything.
I saw a new counselor today. Since I’m switching to outpatient, I have to switch to an outpatient therapist. I feel like I’m starting over.
This was also the third time in a week I’ve had to go through the details of my eating disorder with a new person. (Once at the hospital, once with the county behavioral health guy, and again today)
My new counselor is ok. I didn’t instantly click with her like I did my IOP counselor, but we’ll just see how it goes. She gave me a lot of homework for this week. She also wants me to do some art this week. I don’t do any at home, only in art therapy, which I don’t have anymore.
I also (!!!) got my scale back!
Naturally, the first thing I did when I got home was weigh myself.
I ate 360 calories today, which I purged. It was really nice to have a break from binging and purging. I think my body and mind both needed that.
I understand that 360 calories is not enough, but I’m having a lot of trouble convincing myself that it’s ok to eat outside my binges, so at least it was something.
Tomorrow I am going over to my brothers’ place for the weekend. I am not looking forward to foodness. Especially since my family is having another picnic on Sunday. Bleh.
And peanut butter.
That’s the food I have in the house. That’s what I’ll be eating for a bit.
I’m ok with that.
a2eternity 