Almost as soon as I submitted my last post, I got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They are recommending partial hospitalization (their highest level of care) and want me to stay in their apartments for added support. They want me to start next week. They’re waiting to hear back from my insurance to make sure I’m approved for treatment.
I’m so relieved. I’m so nervous. I’m definitely overwhelmed.
I hope my insurance cooperates. I hate that they have the power to refuse my treatment against what the professionals recommend.
My goals for this week are to just get through with my sanity, try not to think about treatment too much, and lose a little weight before I have to start work on being healthy.
I finally get to see a new psychiatrist tomorrow. It’s only been 5 months in the works.
Today during jury duty, they randomly selected and called a bunched of jurors. The rest of us waited in the room for 3 hours until, at 11:30, they told us that the rest of the cases had been settled or dissolved and we were free to go. SO, no jury duty for me beyond this morning!
This means I can go to my psychiatric appointment tomorrow. YAY! I’m nervous because it’s a new person and I’ll probably have to rehash everything again. But I am oh-so-relieved to finally be seeing a psychiatrist.
My anxiety has been really bad lately.
This evening, I was supposed to go to a barbecue with a friend. I didn’t really want to go in the first place, but she didn’t want to go alone.
Today, my anxiety was very high. I was freaking out about going. I canceled on her.
I feel terrible. I also feel relieved.
I hate that my anxiety makes me an awful, flaky friend. I hate that it keeps me from doing things I want to, or should, do. I wish I knew how to fight it or change it, but I don’t. I’ve tried everything my counselor suggests and nothing helps.
When I was talking to the eating disorder center’s intake coordinator last week, she suggested I get evaluated for bipolor disorder based on my answers to some of her questions.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, so I planned to bring it up.
I didn’t have to. She brought it up first. She recommended a diagnosis of bipolar 2 and prescribed a mood stabilizer for me. She told me that it’s common for people with bipolar to get worse, or even suicidal, on antidepressants.
After I had time to process it, I felt both a sense of relief and hope and of frustration and anger. I feel relieved and hopeful because I feel like so many questions I had about myself have been answered and I have a plan of action that could actually help. I feel anger and frustration because I have been telling doctors and mental health professionals for years that antidepressants make me worse and suicidal and they always just brushed me off like I was crazy and then prescribed a new antidepressant, then acted like I had done something wrong when I proceeded to get worse.
I told my mom this afternoon and she started crying. I thought she was upset about the diagnosis, but when I asked her about it, she said it was relief. She told me she’s never been so relieved about bad news before.
I’m unsure whether to tell anyone else. I told a close friend, but I don’t know whether I’ll tell other friends, or my siblings. Still thinking on this. Thoughts?