Tag Archives: psychiatrist

Overall Frustration

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My weight has plateaued. Plus, it’s at the same weight it was at before I started losing weight, which makes me think I wasn’t actually losing weight at all. Arg!

In other news, I spent much of the last couple of days in bed, sick. I still got in my workouts, but most of the rest of my time was spent horizontal, sick and nauseous. Partly I think it was too many laxatives, but partly I think it was just sickness.

Tomorrow I’m going to hang out with a friend. While I enjoy hanging out with her, I always get such high anxiety before going out with anyone.

I got a call this morning from the mental health clinic. My last psychiatrist left, so I had to start seeing a new one. I was supposed to see her on Thursday. However, I was told this morning that the new one quit so I can’t see anyone right now. What?? They have other psychiatrists, but I can’t see anyone? Not anyone at all?

So between the weight, the anxiety, and the psychiatrist, I’m very frustrated today.

Diagnosis

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When I was talking to the eating disorder center’s intake coordinator last week, she suggested I get evaluated for bipolor disorder based on my answers to some of her questions.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, so I planned to bring it up.

I didn’t have to. She brought it up first. She recommended a diagnosis of bipolar 2 and prescribed a mood stabilizer for me. She told me that it’s common for people with bipolar to get worse, or even suicidal, on antidepressants.

After I had time to process it, I felt both a sense of relief and hope and of frustration and anger. I feel relieved and hopeful because I feel like so many questions I had about myself have been answered and I have a plan of action that could actually help. I feel anger and frustration because I have been telling doctors and mental health professionals for years that antidepressants make me worse and suicidal and they always just brushed me off like I was crazy and then prescribed a new antidepressant, then acted like I had done something wrong when I proceeded to get worse.

I told my mom this afternoon and she started crying. I thought she was upset about the diagnosis, but when I asked her about it, she said it was relief. She told me she’s never been so relieved about bad news before.

I’m unsure whether to tell anyone else. I told a close friend, but I don’t know whether I’ll tell other friends, or my siblings. Still thinking on this. Thoughts?

Tapering off Effexor

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I saw my doctor this morning. She agrees that I need to stop the effexor. I’m supposed to taper off of it over the next two weeks, then go back in to talk about new fibro med options.

She also wants me to see a psychiatrist to find something for my depression and anxiety that doesn’t also make me crazy and suicidal. I have an appointment for next week.

I haven’t been sleeping much, and the large amount of laxatives I’ve been taking have me perpetually nauseous. I’m not looking forward to stopping my effexor and having my pain levels go way up again. Hopefully we can find an effective replacement quickly.

Update: I’m home!

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So, Wednesday morning I went to the ER feeling suicidal. Wednesday was terrible and long. Their response was to put a guard by my room and then ignore me for 12 hours.

Leaving a suicidal person alone for 12 hours with absolutely nothing to do is not helpful.

I got really anxious and almost tried walking out several times.

Around 7pm, they brought me dinner. I ate a small portion of it, then went to the bathroom and purged.

Still feeling very anxious, I broke the plastic fork and started cutting.

At 7:45pm, my nurse (who I hadn’t seen all day) came and saw that I had cut and took everything out of the room.

Four hours before that, I had taken my IV out because it was hurting me and I couldn’t get anyone to come and check it.

I stayed in the ER until nearly midnight, then I was transferred to a hospital with a psych ward. Oh, excuse me, I meant Behavioral Health Wing.

When I arrived, they checked all my belongings in and gave me scrubs to wear. They did a skin check, which meant standing naked in front of two nurses while they checked for injuries, rashes, etc.

After paperwork and vitals, I was shown my room. I tossed and turned for a couple hours until the night nurse offered me some ambien.

Yesterday, I woke up with a migraine. I saw the doctor, psychiatrist, occupational therapist, nutritionist, etc, etc. Between these meetings, I slept and tried to rid myself of the migraine.

The program has seven groups throughout the day, 3 meals, and 2 snacks. I didn’t participate in any of those. I tried one group yesterday afternoon, but it was stupid and triggering.

I didn’t eat at all while I was there, and it didn’t seem to be a big deal. I was offered Ensure several times, but it wasn’t forced.

The staff also seemed like they had no idea how to handle someone with an eating disorder. For example, the medication nurse said to me, after asking whether I’d eaten yet, “I wishI didn’t want to eat. I sometimes throw away food so I don’t eat it. Like ice cream and brownies and stuff. And I run 5 miles a day.”

That’s nice, lady. Please just give me my meds and stop talking.

The woman who ran the one group I tried kept talking about weight loss and how she needed/wanted to lose weight.

All the staff were like that.

I didn’t really interact with any of the other patients. I spent most of my time avoiding meals and avoiding the staff and patients. There was one lady with short, red hair. The color was gorgeous. One guy was anorexic, and he was beautiful.

One patient had bipolar, but I have no idea what most of them were there for.

Not much exiting happened while I was there, but I did determine I am too fat to recover (thank you, staff, for that) and that next time I’m suicidal, I’m not telling anyone because I am NOT doing that again.

I did get diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by the psychiatrist. I’m still not sure how I feel about that.

Well, I think that’s all.

I have an appointment with a county behavioral health specialist on Monday. We’ll see how that goes. At the moment, I’m just not planning to continue recovery for my bulimia.