After binging and purging for a couple hours, I decided today needed a do-over, and I went back to bed and slept for two more hours. I woke up less teary and less grumpy and less wanting to binge and purge, and more wanting to knit and play video games simultaneously (hard).
I might run errands this afternoon. I need to pick up my half-functioning bipolar medication at least. I am working on a couple knitting projects that I will probably work on today.
I also got a call from my rheumatologist. She said it sounds like the rashes on my hands are from my immune deficiencies and that there’s not much they can do about them, but she wants to see them in person, so there’s that.
I also left the pro-ana Facebook group. I feel good about that. Relieved, I think.
So while today started on a bad note, it’s looking up and hopefully it’ll end up being productive and positive.
Apparently today I decided that I’m not keeping anything down, that everything must be purged. I don’t know what happened, it was like something clicked off in my brain and suddenly I needed to purge everything I eat.
Maybe it has something to do with the pro-ana group I was added to yesterday. “What?” you ask. Yes, a friend, and someone I went through residential treatment with for several months back about 5 years ago, she made a pro-ana group on Facebook and added a bunch of people we went through treatment with, and then some of her friends. I was shocked. The only eating disorder related posts I ever make on Facebook are recovery-focused. I have never posted anything that might indicate I am pro-ana. There’s a reason. I am not pro-ana.
I know I am not always actively working toward recovery, but I don’t want people actively living in their eating disorders either. I will always advise that you seek help, because whether I’m in the mindset to do it myself or not, I always believe that’s the best option.
So here I was, minding my own business, when I get the notification “So-and-so has added you to the closed group pro-ana”. I went into a state of shock for quite a while. I didn’t know what to do or how to respond. I haven’t left the group. It’s like that car crash you can’t look away from. I know I should leave it, but I am curious as to what kind of posts it will elicit. However, I know it’s having a negative effect on me. The group information basically says “it’s ok to engage in your eating disorder” and that it NOT what I need to hear right now.
Clearly, my brain was listening, though, because it decided that nothing stays down.