Not the Day I’d planned

I’m home now.

Thanks to my freakout last night, I showed up at treatment this morning sick, weak, tired, and severely dehydrated.

When I arrived, I had to strip down and put on a sheer hospital gown, do a couple jumping jacks, and get weighed. Then, an EKG, orthostatics, and labs.

However, because I was so dehydrated, they couldn’t get any blood. I had several people trying and still nothing. They decided to make me drink water and try again later, but I was having trouble getting the water down because I was so nauseous.

I went over to sign papers and get my schedule and program binder. When I finished, my doctor had looked over my EKG and orthostatics and decided I needed to go to the ER to get fluids.

So, 2 hours after my first day of treatment began, it ended with a trip to a local hospital. I was there for about 6 hours. Not only was I severely dehydrated, my potassium was dangerously low so I had to get fluids AND potassium. Then more labs to make sure my potassium came up enough to go home. Rinse, repeat.

The treatment center wanted to bump me up to residential, but my insurance said no. I’m relieved. I’m so glad to be home after that long day and not in a hospital. I am not looking forward to going back tomorrow, but I know I need to.

Also, I took a HUGE step tonight and threw away my laxatives.

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I know this is a bad idea but…

Ok, I don’t know if I’d call taking laxatives “happy hour”…

I got a message from the eating disorder center and they need me to get more labs, they need up to date ones. So, I go in to my doctor Thursday and I’ll have her get them then. My first thought was, “when I take a lot of laxatives, my potassium always drops quickly, so I should take ALL the laxatives between now and then so my insurance can see actual proof that there’s a problem.”

So, I’ve been taking a handful every hour on the hour.

I know, I know, this is a bad plan. But I feel like I have to prove myself. I feel like I need to justify this level of care. I mean, am I really sick enough for PHP?

I don’t feel like I am.

I hate the birds

I’m lying here in my bed…still. It’s officially morning. I can’t lie still. I shake my legs to diminish, slightly, the pain. They ache. It’s not muscle soreness from the bike, just a deep, painful ache. Usually, this is a sign that my potassium or magnesium is low.

I do feel the muscle soreness, however. Every shake and every movement is a reminder of the hours spent on my bike yesterday. I stayed on it until 2am. Four hours ago. Yet, each tender reminder hurts less than the ache, so it’s worth aggravating the soreness.

The birds are singing outside my window. I wish they would stop. They are so chipper and I am so tired.

I want to get up and weigh myself. I want to get up and use my bike. I want to get up an weigh, then exercise, then weigh again. Instead, I lie here, legs twitching and shaking, begging for sleep.

I fear it will never come.

Just another Monday

This morning, I waited about 4 hours for my parents to wake up so I could ask for a ride to the ER…again.

The emergency room I went to has you sign in via kiosk by scanning your ID and selecting why you’re there. They have about a dozen buttons for common ailments. Below that, they have an option to type in your own reason. I was very tempted to type “bulimia’s a bitch” as my reason, but instead just put “bulimia and laxative abuse”.

I was given a room pretty quickly (they know me well there) and was given fluids and poked for blood. My potassium was low. Big surprise. The re-hydrated me, gave me potassium pills and prescriptions to fill at my pharmacy, and sent me home.

When I got home, I was NOT doing well. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I was feeling very depressed and wanting to stop existing. I had some disturbing internal dialogue that made me realize I needed to get out of my room and do something. I still wasn’t feeling well, but I made myself get out of bed. I determined it would be better to get up and binge and purge than to self-harm in that state of mind.

I came out to the living room and ordered Chinese food I can’t actually afford. I spent money set aside for future bills. However, I feel like it was necessary.

I shouldn’t have to choose between paying my bills or cutting my own fingers off…

Tomorrow, I am supposed to hear more about the partial hospitalization program. Depending on how long they say I need to wait, I may go back to the hospital and demand to be admitted. I am afraid of my own thoughts.

Guess what I found in the toilet?

That’s right, the potassium pills they gave me at the ER yesterday. Intact enough for me to read them.

I’m sure they did me a TON of good…

Good morning!

What do you mean it’s 10:00 at night?

I came home and slept allllll day. It was magical. After sleeping an hour a night, and some nights not at all, my body and mind so needed this.

I’ve been trying to be gentle with myself today. I haven’t taken any laxatives or diet pills since I got home. I also listened to my body and slept instead of getting up to exercise like my brain kept telling me to do.

I haven’t been able to eat today, a combination of the nausea that still won’t go away and just being very weak earlier today. I have managed some water, though.

In the ER, they gave me 3 different kinds of medications for the nausea, but none of them worked. I took one of my own when I got home this morning, no change.

The reason I was in the ER is because last night, while getting some water in the kitchen, I felt like I was going to pass out. I sat down, having trouble breathing and seeing, chest pain, severe nausea, pain in my left shoulder blade and down my left arm.

After the worst of it passed, I told a nurse friend what was going on and she said to call an ambulance, which I did. On the way to the hospital, I had a “cardiac event”. I never did find out what that meant, I was too out of it to ask.

So, anyway, I spent about 10 hours at the ER altogether. I was hooked up to a heart monitor the whole time. They determined that my symptoms were the result of low potassium and magnesium.

So I’m home now. I exchanged emails with the intake coordinator for the eating disorder clinic this morning while still at the ER and she said that this trip to the ER is likely to help get me covered for PHP as it shows I have a medical need for it. She said that my insurance is supposed to cover 100% of the PHP if it’s shown to be medically necessary.

I had to sign a release of information for the hospital I was in this morning so she can use that in my case, and she also requested a letter from the behavioral health guy who suggested inpatient in the first place. In the morning I am going to the doctor for medical clearance to do the PHP, and afterward is my intake evaluation with the ED center.

Things are rolling along nicely. The intake coordinator made it sound like I might be able to start the PHP in the next few days, which is great because I thought I’d have to wait until next week.

Last night scared me. And I think I needed that. I am determined to fight this. I want to go and get the support I need and get past this so I can have a real life and a future. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I have found the will to fight.

Emergency Room Visit

 

In the hospital with low potassium and magnesium. I’ll post details later.