Sheesh! What a day.
I woke up this morning and weighed and had somehow gained FOUR pounds overnight! FOUR!
Naturally, I didn’t eat or drink anything the rest of the day before treatment.
I arrived early to meet with my nutritionist. It did not go well. I don’t even remember what she said, but what I heard was, “You eat too much, but you need to eat more. You don’t have an eating disorder, so you should just stop binging and purging and start following your meal plan.”
I was pretty pissed by the time it was over and I had to head directly to dinner. I had determined before I went in that I wasn’t going to eat it. If I didn’t have an eating disorder, then clearly I don’t need treatment, so I don’t need to eat dinner. Likewise, if I eat too much, I don’t need dinner. Thirdly, I had gained four pounds in one day and I’m fat and undeserving of food, so I don’t need dinner.
The staff at the table kept trying to get me to eat. Frustrated, I poured my water on my meal figuring that if I did, she couldn’t make me eat it. She got really upset, and by that time, I’d had more than enough, so I left.
I went outside and sat on a bench in front of the building. I didn’t have a way to get home, so I just sat there intending to wait until my ride came.
I got a call from one of the staff and she asked if she could come out and talk with me. I agreed. I explained what had happened, and she (after about 45 minutes) convinced me to come back in and give treatment another try.
Since I had missed dinner, I had to boost. It made me so sick.
I pretty much just cried and zoned out for all of the DBT group. I started to do better in the second group and was sort of ok by the night’s end.
I had to check in with my counselor at the end of the night. She told me she’s worried about me. She’s hoping I’ll find out tomorrow whether or not my insurance will approve PHP.
So yeah. I didn’t eat my snack.
I just want to binge and purge now. I don’t know if I will. I might just go to bed.