One more week, or not at all

Right now, my insurance has approved me through tomorrow. My team wants me to stay one more week, so I’ll find out tomorrow whether that’ll be approved. I’m ok with either outcome.

On the one hand, I’m exhausted. The last 2 months have been productive and so helpful, but HARD. If I’m not approved for more time, I’ll be ok stepping down to EIOP.

One the other, more time would be helpful, and I recognize that. I will gladly stay if given the time. Luckily, eiop has already been approved, so I won’t be leaving treatment altogether, I’ll still have support. If I can do eiop for a while, whether that’s a few weeks or a few months, I think I can really, finally, do recovery.

I’m in a good place of mind most of the time. I know the transition will be hard, but I have confidence I can do it despite the difficulty.

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Three more days

I’ve been approved through Saturday, with another review Friday. I am hoping to only do PHP through Saturday and  start EIOP Monday.

Just a meeting

I didn’t bring my bag today because I was just coming in for a meeting. I didn’t bring my books or my therapy homework. I didn’t bring my phone charger. I just came in for a meeting.

However, I stayed for program. I still havr today and tomorrow approved, so I’m going to get a better wrap-up to treatment than leaving quietly without a word. I’ll have more resources, and someone to help me figure out my meal plan. Plus, I can step down to eiop instead of quitting cold turkey. 

I feel weird being back, but I know this is best.

Good news

So, I had my orientation for EIOP (evening intensive outpatient) yesterday. It went fine. However, I found out that my insurance might not cover it.

The thought of going from PHP to nothing terrified me. I don’t feel ready to step down to eiop, let alone stop treatment altogether.

Luckily,  my insurance said today that it will definitely cover eiop.

Tomorrow, I find out whether I’ll get another week of php or not.  

Reflection

I’m in what will probably be my last week of php, and am coming up on a month in treatment.

I went in thinking I’d do a week or two of php, then switch to outpatient. I’ve done twice as much as I’d planned, and I still feel so unprepared.

As of tonight, I’m one week purge-free. However, all I want to do is binge and purge. If I didn’t have 2 roommates, I’d be doing that now…

Transitioning

This upcoming Wednesday, I’ll have been in partial hospitalization for a month. While I don’t feel ready, I have orientation for intensive outpatient on Monday, just to be ready in case my insurance doesn’t approve anymore time in PHP.

I feel overwhelmed and nervous and, like I said, not ready at all. However, I doubt I will ever feel ready. I think I’ll have to step down with the feeling of unreadiness. If I stayed in PHP another month, I probably still wouldn’t feel ready to step down to EIOP.

Drained

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, PHP is BUSY and exhausting.

Today, for example, I had, on top of the 6 times I was required to eat, anger awareness, session with my primary therapist, process group, one-on-one art therapy, family therapy, and grief and loss group.

Dinner today was really hard and I ate hardly any of it. I’m still working on a boost-free day. Maybe tomorrow is the day.

PhP Day Two (One)

I finished day two of PHP, but it was more like day one because I spent most of yesterday in the ER instead of treatment. I met with most of the members of my treatment team today. I also ate 2 meals and 2 snacks there. Those were hard.

It felt like we were eating all day long. I cried several times today.

I felt so alone and out of place today. I also felt so crowded. I just wanted to be alone, but I can’t get alone during my treatment day.

I feel like there’s so much I want to say, but none of the words will come to the surface where I can reach them.

I’m exhausted, I’m full, and I’m drained.

Doom and Hope

 

 

I was just informed I start PHP tomorrow morning. I’m having a mild freak out.

I’m hopeful. Hopeful that php will be helpful and that I’ll be able to do what I need to do for recovery. But everything about doing PHP is scaring the shit out of me right now. And it’s all so very little notice.

Terror

I keep crying.

I was reading the schedule for the partial hospitalization program abd it all started to sink in. Then I read the requirements for each level (determines your supervision and activity levels) and I started to freak out.

What if I can’t  do this? What if I get there and I can’t eat my meals? What if my insurance doesn’t think I’m trying hard enough and cuts me off? What if I actually succeed in recovery? What am I without my bulimia? Who am I?

This has been my life for over 2 decades. I’m terrified to let it go. I don’t know what life looks like after recovery. Without my eating disorder. The thought of it terrifies me. Panic. Tears. Shortness of breath. I am completely afraid to move past this. To live a life without all I’ve known for so long.