Tag Archives: panic attack

DBT Skills Group Week 3: STOP

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Sorry for my silly doodles, I get bored.

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This pro/con chart was filled out using a made-up example we were given in the group. Yours will look different based on what scenario you’re charting.

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Here are this week’s handouts. Yesterday we learned about STOP.
Stop
Take a step back
Observe
Proceed mindfully

We also learned about what Crisis Survival Skills are and when you should use them. STOP is just one Crisis Survival Skill, and so far the only one I know.

I tried using STOP yesterday when I was having an anxiety attack over being in the car (being on the freeway, especially, terrifies me) but it didn’t work. However, that may just be because I’m not practiced in it yet. Or, maybe it’s the wrong skill for the situation. I don’t know. But the important part is that I tried it.

I had worried about sharing my DBT handouts on my blog. I worried my audience would find it boring. However, I received a very heartwarming email thanking me for sharing them, so I’ve decided to continue for now. My hope is that they find someone who need the skills but doesn’t have a DBT program in their area.

But please, do let me knwo what you think of me sharing, whether you like it or not. If you aren’t interested in reading my DBT handouts each week, I might just start a new blog for them. However, I kind of want to keep it here as it’s all part of my eating disorder recovery journey, which is what this blog is about. So feel free to weigh in either way!

 

I hate phone calls

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I hate talking on the phone. I hate making and receiving calls. 

At the moment, I have to speak with my school advisor every week by phone to check in and make sure I’m maintaining progress. 

I hate it. I start dreading it the day before. I start having thoughts like, “Maybe I can ignore it. Maybe I’ll pretend it didn’t ring through. Maybe I can say my mom’s phone wasn’t working.” So on and so forth. 

Panic twists my stomach into the tightest of knots once the phone actually rings. Reluctantly I answer. 

When the call is over, I experience a flood of relief knowing that terrible task is done for one more week. 

What a day

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After sleeping all day yesterday, I still managed to sleep all night. I guess that’s what happens after hardly sleeping for a week.

I woke up this morning and went to the doctor for get medical clearance to do the partial hospitalization program. I was there for about 3 hours. (It involved blood work, a physical, urine test, orthostatics, etc.)

After that, I went over to my brothers’ where I was going to babysit my 4 month twin niece and nephew. Before they arrived, I had an intake eval with the eating disorder center over the phone. (I was supposed to have it this morning, but needed to go to the doctor for clearance and didn’t have time to get down there and back to my brothers’ between, so she suggested doing it on the phone.)

It went well. We mostly talked about how I’m doing with behaviors lately and what’s changed since being in the IOP. I told her my doctor is sending them a letter stating that she feels this is medically necessary. She said that after talking with the treatment team, they want me stay in their housing.

This would mean that instead of coming home in the evenings and going back every morning, I would be staying in their housing whenever I’m not in the program. This would be good for extra accountability and support, but I’m still nervous.

Because they want me to stay in the house, I have to wait to start PHP until they have a bed available. This means I won’t be starting until next week, or maybe the week after. I’m anxious about trying to hold on that long. I’m physically and mentally exhausted.

After talking with her, my mom surprised me with lunch. I freaked out (internally) but just planned to eat it and purged. However, just as I was finishing it up, my sister showed up with the babies. I wasn’t going to leave two 4-month old babies alone while I went to purge.

Luckily, I was so busy taking care of them and loving on them (and taking pictures of their beautiful faces) that I didn’t have much time to think about the food sitting in my stomach.

At one point, my nephew was sleeping and I had just gotten my niece to sleep. She was resting in my arms, head lying on my shoulder, and the sweet peacefulness of that moment just made my heart so glad. I don’t know when I last felt so happy.

I took care of them until 6:30pm, then went home. On the way home, it finally hit me what I’d done. I began to cry and dig my nails into my arms. I had a full out panic attack.

The first thing I did when I got home was to take laxatives and diet pills. Then I drank as much water as I could tolerate. I was very dehydrated. I had pinched my skin on the way home and it had stayed wrinkled up like that. My urine (which I realized when I got home, I had only gone once today, which was at the doctor’s office, which I forced) was dark. So I made myself drink.

Now I’m watching Netflix with my mom. I’m hoping to get up the energy to work out before bed, especially since I didn’t do anything yesterday.

In the morning, I go in for x-rays to find out whether I have Rhuematoid Arthritis.