Weary

This first week back in treatment has been hard. I got hardly any schoolwork done, I ate meals and snacks every night with strangers, I’m overwhelmed with trying to follow my meal plan and not binge-and-purge and catch up on homework and deal with my emotions and everything that treatment entails.  Now I’m on my own for the weekend and I’ve already purged 2 meals today and so want to binge and purge tonight. I am weary. I am tired from the week and from treatment. I need time off. I can’t wait until the semester is over.

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Canceled

I was supposed to have physical therapy this morning. Their office called me this morning and said my therapist had a family emergency and had to cancel.

Just now the eating disorder clinic called and said they’re cancelling program tonight because of the snow.

My stomach turned when I heard this. It was a hard weekend and I have been looking forward to being back in the safety of treatment. Yes, treatment is HARD, but it is also safe. Now I’m left doing it all on my own, still. I haven’t eaten today because I ate 100% of my meal plan yesterday and that was ridiculous hard and overwhelming and I just can’t cope with more food right now. I don’t know whether I will eat dinner or not. I was supposed to have dinner at treatment, so I was already planning to eat, but now I feel like I have options. Right now I just want to take a nap and forget about the world.

Admissions update

Almost as soon as I submitted my last post, I got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They are recommending partial hospitalization (their highest level of care) and want me to stay in their apartments for added support. They want me to start next week. They’re waiting to hear back from my insurance to make sure I’m approved for treatment.

I’m so relieved. I’m so nervous. I’m definitely overwhelmed.

I hope my insurance cooperates. I hate that they have the power to refuse my treatment against what the professionals recommend.

My goals for this week are to just get through with my sanity, try not to think about treatment too much, and lose a little weight before I have to start work on being healthy.

Diet Day 3

It’s Day 3, so 250 calories. Today for lunch, I’m going to eat a salad. The salad dressing and cheese will bring me right up to 250 calories.

This morning in therapy we did a chain analysis on my restricting. I started crying when we figured out that that I’m restricting because, since I can’t purge right now, the calories scare me and I just can’t handle them right now. I think I cried because of how much calories are scaring me right now. I just can’t do them. It’s too overwhelming. My therapist recognized that and didn’t make me commit to eating more. She did give me skills to use if I felt like I could handle trying to eat. We’ll see. Right now I just can’t.

Punched in the Gut

I finally heard back from the eating disorder treatment center. They told me that they can’t help me, and suggested a psychiatric unit instead.

Of dating and anxiety

I find dating to be exhausting.

I’ve mentioned before how casual dating just isn’t for me. I don’t enjoy it and it saps all my energy.

I haven’t exactly been dating lately, but I’ve been spending a lot of my time with someone. We play video games together and just talk. I could see it becoming something.

And yet, part of me hopes it doesn’t.

I’m exhausted. I’ve been off my meds for a few months now and my body is constantly weary and in pain. Add in my new business (which I’m loving) and school (which is overwhelming me merely by existing) and a something-relationship and I just am tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I’m also scared to be honest. I know he will eventually see my scars and cuts. I know he will eventually discover my neuroses. I know I will eventually be too troubled, too much, too far gone, too hard to handle, too confusing, too needy, too depressed, too…too…too…

Earlier, we were chatting on gtalk (or hangouts, I guess it’s called now) and he send me a youtube video that shows how the special effects department made it look like someone’s fingers had been cut off. The video starts with bloody, severed fingers. I quickly closed it and told him I couldn’t watch it. He explained that he normally doesn’t like things that are gory, but the process was really interesting, and it doesn’t seem gory anymore after you know the process.

I was pretty sure I knew the process (I did) but I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and watch it. I had to stop when they started to cut the fake fingers with scissors. I couldn’t explain to him why it bothered me so much. I couldn’t tell him about having wanted to cut off my own fingers just a few month ago. I can’t tell him how much I loathe this body I am stuck in and how I so often have to fight myself just to NOT mutilate it.

In other mostly unrelated news, I was supposed to do the NEDA walk in my town this morning. Supposed to.

I had worked and worked to raise money and I had looked forward to doing this for months. Then, this morning, I woke up, and I couldn’t do it. I had the most terrible anxiety. Pure panic. I cried, I was so frustrated. I wanted to go, but at the same time, I was terrified. I couldn’t will myself out of bed. I turned my alarm off and cried myself to sleep.

The one bright note of my day, I have nice nails…

Some Assembly Required

I pulled my bike out of its box, ready to put it together. Today is the day! I’m going to put this thing together and start using that sucker!

To my surprise, the bike has about a million pieces. A million…separate…pieces.

Naturally, I searched for the instruction manual straight away. Of course, I open it up to see:

This, naturally, made me feel a little overwhelmed. I responded in the only logical way: I pushed the pieces aside, and grabbed food to binge and purge.

Treatment is having the opposite of the desired effect

Yesterday was not a good day.

The night before, I had a terrible migraine and should have gone to the ER, but I simply didn’t want to.

I woke up yesterday morning with the migraine even worse. I went straight to the ER.

I spent the rest of the morning and a good portion of the day in the ER. I was severely dehydrated, they told me, and had to have a few rounds of fluids AND drink water before they would let me leave. I also wasn’t responding well to the pain meds like I normally do, they think as a result of the dehydration.

After I was discharged, I went straight to treatment.

I had an appointment with my nutritionist. She told me she thinks I need a higher level of care.

I cried.

She helped me set more attainable food goals for this next week.

I cried again, feeling overwhelmed.

Then I went to dinner with the plan of eating it all. I couldn’t. I got through 80% and had to boost.

Between groups I talked with my counselor. I told her how overwhelmed I feel all the time and how I feel like I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. She told me she agrees with the nutritionist and thinks I need a higher level of care.

I cried.

I honestly don’t know how I would cope with being there all day, every day. I can’t get through dinner, let alone eating all my meals and snacks there.

I feel like I’m at the bottom of the ocean, under all that pressure, with no oxygen. I feel like I’m about to implode from the pressure and pass out because I can’t catch my breath.

All the time.

The only time I feel a sense of relief is when I come home at night after treatment and binge and purge. And that’s sort of counterproductive. I feel like treatment is just reinforcing my behaviors because it’s proving how useful they are for me.