My team gave me a lofty goal to go one week behavior-free. No restricting, no binging and purging. I haven’t done great in the no restricting department. However, I have achieved a personal goal: I went all weekend without binging and purging! That’s a first for me! Yes, it’s only 3 days, but that’s 3 days that I was binging and purging in before and now I’ve managed to NOT binge and purge for all three of those days! It might sound small, but it feels HUGE! It’s actually been a week and 2 days since I binged and purged last! Yes, I’m still struggling with restriction, but for a bulimic to go over a week without binging and purging, that’s a big deal!!
Now to just work on following my meal plan. I meet with the RD today. I am going to ask for a lesser meal plan, I think mine is too much food. I have no idea whether she’ll comply, but I’m going to ask either way. I have to meet with her because I’m still having to boost consistently at dinners and my therapist told me to meet with her to see if she can help. I don’t see how she can, but I’ll ask anyway.
“Love After Love”
by Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
We watched a youtube video by Jon Kabat-Zinn in treatment tonight and he closed with this poem. It really touched me. It seems like a poem about eating disorder recovery in so many ways.
Tonight we also did meal planning. My nutritionist doesn’t seem to think I should be eating the same breakfast, same lunch, same dinner every day. So, we planned out some different meals. We have a sheet for a week’s worth of meals, but I only got through 3 days of meals. I am supposed to finish on my own. I also learned that my breakfasts and lunches weren’t meeting my meal plan. Oops! Well, I know how to fix them now.
In other news, I booked plane tickets to visit southern California in May and my hotel room for a trip to Albuquerque in April!
I spent the weekend with my brothers. We played Dungeons and Dragons on Saturday. My brother’s girlfriend played too. We had a lot of fun. After my youngest brother and his girlfriend went home, My other two brothers and I played video games and drank.
On Sunday, we played more video games, then we watched the Broncos beat the Patriots. That was great.
Yesterday I started treatment. I didn’t eat before going in at one. When I met with my nutritionist at 3:00, she almost made me eat a snack, but I started crying and she let me wait for dinner. She said she knew that I was really overwhelmed and she would let me wait. I was so relieved because I really didn’t think I could eat a snack right then.
Dinner was hard and I barely finished it in time. But, I did finish my dinner. Through tears. And I didn’t purge afterward or take laxatives after dinner. That was harder still. I cried on and off the rest of the night. However, I made it through.
There are only two other people in the EIOP right now. One lady and one man. They both seem nice. We got along well and they were both very helpful and encouraging during dinner.
I tried to follow my meal plan for breakfast, but ended up feeling overwhelmed and anxious and binged and purged instead. I’m not eating lunch since I binged this morning and can’t purge dinner.
I’m working on tapering off my laxatives with my nutritionist. I usually take 100-300 pills a day. Today and tomorrow I’m taking just 100. Then the next two days I’m going to try to go down to just 50. Then two days at 25. Then none. Then I may have to take Miralax for a while because of how many laxatives my body is used to taking.
Wish me luck for tonight. I’m already so nervous and anxious.
This is how I feel without my scale.
The other day, I actually cried when I saw the space my scale used to occupy.
This morning after I didn’t go to the doctor, therefore didn’t get to know my current weight, I decided I needed me scale back.
I emailed my counselor, telling her this.
She responded, “I didn’t have the chance to see you today and I’m out until Tuesday. Make sure to talk to [nutritionist] about this, and I’d like to talk to you about it, too. I know it’s really difficult once you give that thing up…hang in there.”
I don’t want to hang in there, and I don’t want to wait until Tuesday to get my scale back. I am frustrated.