My team gave me a lofty goal to go one week behavior-free. No restricting, no binging and purging. I haven’t done great in the no restricting department. However, I have achieved a personal goal: I went all weekend without binging and purging! That’s a first for me! Yes, it’s only 3 days, but that’s 3 days that I was binging and purging in before and now I’ve managed to NOT binge and purge for all three of those days! It might sound small, but it feels HUGE! It’s actually been a week and 2 days since I binged and purged last! Yes, I’m still struggling with restriction, but for a bulimic to go over a week without binging and purging, that’s a big deal!!
Now to just work on following my meal plan. I meet with the RD today. I am going to ask for a lesser meal plan, I think mine is too much food. I have no idea whether she’ll comply, but I’m going to ask either way. I have to meet with her because I’m still having to boost consistently at dinners and my therapist told me to meet with her to see if she can help. I don’t see how she can, but I’ll ask anyway.
“Love After Love”
by Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
We watched a youtube video by Jon Kabat-Zinn in treatment tonight and he closed with this poem. It really touched me. It seems like a poem about eating disorder recovery in so many ways.
Tonight we also did meal planning. My nutritionist doesn’t seem to think I should be eating the same breakfast, same lunch, same dinner every day. So, we planned out some different meals. We have a sheet for a week’s worth of meals, but I only got through 3 days of meals. I am supposed to finish on my own. I also learned that my breakfasts and lunches weren’t meeting my meal plan. Oops! Well, I know how to fix them now.
In other news, I booked plane tickets to visit southern California in May and my hotel room for a trip to Albuquerque in April!
I’m so excited my shakes came in today! They weren’t supposed to be here until tomorrow, but you won’t hear me complaining!!
After having Shakeology for a week with the samples I got, I found myself craving them after I ran out. My body just doesn’t get that kind of rich nutrition when I don’t have them. I’m so relieved to have them again. So, of course, for dinner I’m having some Shakeology!
I’m also excited to start Cize. I tried some of the previews for it and it really showed me how uncoordinated I am, but it was also very fun and kicked my butt, so I’m looking forward to adding it to my workout routine.
I also got together with my sisters and mom today for some girl time. We did gel manis and played with my niece and nephew and just hung out. It was fun. On the agenda for today: cycling, Cize, don’t binge.
I have a long (mental) list of foods I dislike but have never actually tried. This week, I have to try one of those every day. Today, it was shrimp.
I have discovered that I do NOT dislike shrimp. I fucking hate shrimp.
The problem with trying new foods in treatment is that if you hate it, you still have to finish it. Not only do I hate shrimp, eating it made me physically gag and nearly vomit on the table.
I could have just not eaten it and boosted, but that would have meant going down a level and I finally made it to level 3 (the top level at my treatment center).
On my thought log for wrap-up, I put that my post-meal intention is to write hate letters to shrimp. Also that I want to stab shrimp in the face.
Drinking my first Ensure. I wish it didn’t list the calories on the front of the bottle. And don’t look at the ingredients, because it’s essentially sugar water. Just thinking about this if freaking me out, so I’m going to play a game while I drink it so hopefully I won’t think about it as much.
I found this neat site called Eat This Much. You can tell it how many calories you want to eat over how many total meals during the day, and it will give you a meal plan for the day. You can edit what types of foods it will suggest, follow certain diets like vegetarian, paleo, etc, tell it how many (or what percentage) carbs, fats, and proteins you want, and more. It’s really quite a useful site.
There’s only one small problem.
How do I get three-quarters of the egg white and the yolk? I’m also not sure how to measure a quarter of a tablespoon.
How on earth am I supposed to measure 0.17 tablespoon, 0.17 cup, or 0.67 of an egg?
0.13 of everything?
0.04 of a cup? Then you have 0.17 of almost everything else.
I love this site in theory. I really want to be able to use it. However, I can’t find a way to make it give me measurements that make logic.
I thought the strange measurements might have been just because I was requesting an unrealistic amount of calories per day. However, when I switched to the standard 2000 calories, it didn’t help any.
Yes, it wants me to add 0.13 cup of low fat milk to this recipe.
Apparently anorexia and bulimia (and ednos) can cause early onset of osteoarthritis due to poor nutrition and/or over exercising.
How did I learn this? I just got a call from my rheumatologist. Guess who has osteoarthritis. Yeah, I do.
I’m supposed to start a regimen of anti-inflammatories and follow up with the doctor.
I’m kind of floored right now. It’s become real, I guess. I’ve done actual damage to my body.
I am STRESSED!
I had counseling today. It was not fun.
We touched on some very hard things from my past and I spent a good portion of the time cycling between tears, freaking out, and disassociating.
I also found out that my insurance has only approved treatment through the end of the week.
Dinner was very hard. I DID finish, though! No boost today!
Our nutrition group was really hard. I don’t really know how to explain why, but we were all slightly freaking out by the end. Some of us more than slightly.
Also, she announced that next week, we’ll be going to a restaurant for dinner. I’m not terribly excited about that.
My nutritionist wants me to eat more, she reminded me. So I grabbed some groceries on the way home. Hopefully I can do it tomorrow.
I have every intention to binge and purge tonight. I need to de-stress, and it seemed like a better idea than this:
Anyway, I need this week to count, because it may be my last.