Tag Archives: nutritian

Here against my will

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Did I mention I am in treatment against my will at this point?

Right now, I’m completely dependent upon my parents financially, so they have a lot of power over my life. They gave teamed up with my counselor and gave me an ultimatum, basically “stay in treatment or else”.

So, here I am in treatment. All of last week, I felt like I was in prison. Like I was being held in this program against my will and it made me really resent the program and my counselor.

However, I’m starting to have a change of heart. If I’m going to be here, which for now I am, I might as well make the most of it. I may not have the fire to recover I did before, but I am at least going to try to get what I can out of the program while I can. Which, I guess, means meeting with the dietician, who I’ve been avoiding like the plague. Eating. Trying to keep it down. Maybe even trying to follow the meal plan again.

It all sounds terrifying when I type it out, but I’m going to try.

Groceries

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I did my first grocery shopping trip in…I don’t even know how long. Not shopping for binge/purge food, but shopping for a menu, shopping for meals and snacks.

I hated it. I panicked. I cried. I loathed that food in my basket.

But I did it.

The feeling of hating food, just hating food in general, has lingered. Right now, I don’t want to make breakfast. I don’t want to pack food to take for the weekend. I don’t want to follow my meal plan. But I DO want to recovery, and I know that I can’t do that without trusting my dietician and without following the meal plan. So I’m going to try to do all of those things.

I can’t believe I have all this food in the house. Last night I just wanted to binge and purge on all of it. Yet, I didn’t.

And now I shall get ready for the day, and I will eat.