Day #26: What makes you feel beautiful?
Having my nails done. It’s literally the only thing that makes me feel pretty (I can’t say anything makes me feel beautiful).
Day #7: One thing that’s just for you.
This is my Jamberry collection (minus my lacquers, which I forgot to include in the photo). Doing my nails is something I do just for me. It’s something that helps me relax and feel calm. It’s the one and only thing that makes me feel pretty and feminine. It’s my favorite part of the week.
I find dating to be exhausting.
I’ve mentioned before how casual dating just isn’t for me. I don’t enjoy it and it saps all my energy.
I haven’t exactly been dating lately, but I’ve been spending a lot of my time with someone. We play video games together and just talk. I could see it becoming something.
And yet, part of me hopes it doesn’t.
I’m exhausted. I’ve been off my meds for a few months now and my body is constantly weary and in pain. Add in my new business (which I’m loving) and school (which is overwhelming me merely by existing) and a something-relationship and I just am tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I’m also scared to be honest. I know he will eventually see my scars and cuts. I know he will eventually discover my neuroses. I know I will eventually be too troubled, too much, too far gone, too hard to handle, too confusing, too needy, too depressed, too…too…too…
Earlier, we were chatting on gtalk (or hangouts, I guess it’s called now) and he send me a youtube video that shows how the special effects department made it look like someone’s fingers had been cut off. The video starts with bloody, severed fingers. I quickly closed it and told him I couldn’t watch it. He explained that he normally doesn’t like things that are gory, but the process was really interesting, and it doesn’t seem gory anymore after you know the process.
I was pretty sure I knew the process (I did) but I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and watch it. I had to stop when they started to cut the fake fingers with scissors. I couldn’t explain to him why it bothered me so much. I couldn’t tell him about having wanted to cut off my own fingers just a few month ago. I can’t tell him how much I loathe this body I am stuck in and how I so often have to fight myself just to NOT mutilate it.
In other mostly unrelated news, I was supposed to do the NEDA walk in my town this morning. Supposed to.
I had worked and worked to raise money and I had looked forward to doing this for months. Then, this morning, I woke up, and I couldn’t do it. I had the most terrible anxiety. Pure panic. I cried, I was so frustrated. I wanted to go, but at the same time, I was terrified. I couldn’t will myself out of bed. I turned my alarm off and cried myself to sleep.
The one bright note of my day, I have nice nails…