I’m still here

I know last time I posted I was quite distraught. That didn’t last long, but I haven’t felt inspired to write in the last couple weeks. In fact, I haven’t been inspired to do much of anything lately. I have been extremely apathetic and bored and nothing is catching my interest. My psychiatrist has been adjusting my meds and I wonder if this isn’t a side effect of that.

In the time since my last post, I had a birthday. I’m pretty sure I officially qualify as old now.

I’ve been struggling to eat. The fiancé and I have been wedding planning and all I can think of is me standing in front of all my friends and family being fat and everyone looking at me. It makes eating hard. I feel like I need to lose as much weight as possible before the wedding.

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Went to the ENT, Don’t have throat cancer

I went to see the ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor) today because I can hardly breathe through my nose, and that’s a problem.

I sat waiting in the exam room for quite a while by myself with nothing to occupy my time except my own thoughts. That’s dangerous. I began to think about my body, I began to feel like I was expanding, filling up the whole room. I felt loathing for my body. It disgusted me. I wanted to gouge my face, it was hideous. I wanted to claw at my skin. My body was revolting.

I caught myself thinking these thoughts and grabbed my phone and started playing puzzle games that would require me to think of something else.

Eventually, the ENt came in and gave me an examination, asked me lots of questions, and sent me off to get my hearing checked.

It turns out I have a deviated septum and my sinuses are swollen. He prescribed a couple medications to hopefully open up my nasal passages so I can breathe. Hr wants to see me again in 4 weeks.

**Note** I never thought I had cancer, it was a reference to this blog post, posted the day before I went to see the ENT, which was eerie timing.

I just…seriously??

Pictured above is me simultaneously doing an angry dance and a facepalm of frustration. Why? Well, it starts a couple months ago.

The psychiatrist I was seeing at the mental health clinic where I go for treatment of my bipolar disorder, bulimia, self-harm, suicidal ideation, etc quit a couple months ago. I was informed via a letter in the mail and told I would now be seeing a new psychiatrist and that I needed to call and set up an appointment after a certain date. I waited until said date, called, and set up an appointment, a month out (her first available appointment, apparently). I waited anxiously for the date to arrive as I could tell my meds needed to be adjusted. The day before my appointment, I got a call saying my appointment had been canceled because my new psychiatrist had quit.

So, I called intake to get an appointment with another psychiatrist, only to be told I couldn’t be seen by another one at the moment because they were shorthanded. Not good enough. I got the number to the intake manager and left her a message letting her know the situation and that I really needed to be seen by a psychiatrist. She promised to “work on it”.  Today, I went in to see my therapist and we went to speak with intake together. We found a psychiatrist with a last minute cancellation so I could get in to see someone this afternoon if I was willing to come back later. I was. They scheduled me and I left, finally feeling like I was making progress.

NOPE! I got a call just before noon saying they needed to cancel my appointment! No explanation could be given. I am so fucking frustrated! I just want to see a psychiatrist and get my meds adjusted. Is that really too much to ask??

Day One of Plan “Be Better”

Day one of my plan to be better is going well. It’s 4pm and I haven’t eaten. I have, however, worked out. It was hard. I am in so much fibromyalgia pain, my whole body hurts. I got hardly any sleep last night because of it. Working out through it took all my determination. And yet, I did it!

I also got good news. I have insurance again! I was able to pick up the 3 prescriptions I haven’t had, including my fibromyalgia medication. While it doesn’t provide immediate relief, I am so grateful to have it again.

I’m worried about the logistics of not eating until Sunday. I know that I can do it, physically, but I also know my mom is bound to notice. Earlier today, I was told that if I’m not going back to treatment, I need to tell my parents how they can help me with recovery. I have nothing for them, since I’m not trying to recover. I don’t really want to have that conversation, though. I’m afraid that now that my parents have been involved in my treatment, and have forced me into treatment before, they will give me some kind of ultimatum if they realize I’m not eating. I really need to move out on my own so I can fully make my own decisions.

Fibromyalgia’s a bitch

I ran out of fibromyalgia meds about a week ago and since my insurance dropped me I can’t afford to get it refilled. The pain is very bad tonight. It keeps waking me up. I just want to sleep. It hurts so much.

Reaction

I had a reaction to my new medication. I have a rash over my ENTIRE body.

This is not fun…

You need to take your medications every day

I got a call from my doctor this morning. My thyroid is “extremely low” and I was reminded that I need to take my meds every day. Oh, right. I should get on that.

I’ve been having such a hard time taking my meds consistently. I know I need to, and I feel better when I do, I just have a hard time taking them consistently, for multiple reasons.

In other news, I went to my brothers’ on Saturday night. It wasn’t planned like it normally is, they basically just said, hey, wanna come over right now? So I did. We played Phantasy Star Online and drank vodka and talked all night.

I might have had a little too much to drink. I don’t actually remember going to bed. In fact, the last thing I remember from the night is taking a shot around 5am. I don’t remember the next five hours, but I woke up at 10am in bed.

Earlier that night, I fell off the stairs outside their apartment that leads up to the second story. I was sitting on them, talking to my brother and I stood up to go inside (probably for another shot) and I missed a step and fell. The stairs and the path below it are concrete. I scraped up my elbow pretty badly. I also have quite a few bruises. Brilliant on my part.

Yesterday, my family went to the park to celebrate three birthdays. Two of my brothers and I have birthdays all within one week. My mom made a cake and my youngest brother’s girlfriend decorated it. I should have gotten a picture. It looked like a Storm Trooper’s head.

We played several games, board and card, and ate cake. I ate my obligatory piece of birthday cake. That was all I ate yesterday. And still, I had gained weight when I checked this morning. Ugh.

I was supposed to meet with the mental health guy this morning, but I didn’t go. I was very tired from not sleeping much this weekend and also because, as I learned this morning, my thyroid is very low. I also didn’t have a way to get there because I forgot to remind my ride, so I just decided to skip it. We did talk on the phone really quickly, just to check in.

Thursday is my birthday, and Friday my out-of-state friend is coming to visit. I’m excited that I get to see her. When I thought I would be starting PHP this week, I didn’t think I would get to.