I’ve noticed an unfortunate trend in myself the last several days. I’ve been thinking to myself, I have 3 more weeks of program, then I can stop following the meal plan. Or. I have 3 more weeks of program, then I can go back to restricting, but I won’t binge and purge anymore. And I’m perfectly ok with thinking these thoughts. I justify them. I tell myself how much better I’m doing now than I was 7 weeks ago and that this means it’s ok to “restrict a little” when I finish the program. After all, I mostly wanted to stop the constant binging and purging, and I’ve gone 2 whole weeks without doing that. I could probably go the rest of my lifetime, right? I will never again slip up, even if I stop following my meal plan, even if I go back to restricting, I’m sure I can keep those behaviors at bay now.
Also, the last couple of days, I have been contemplating halving my meal plan. If it says 3 proteins, I’ll eat 1 and a half. If it says 2 starches, I’ll eat 1. I haven’t done it, but I’m justifying in my head why it would be ok. And I have a feeling the longer I continue to justify it, the more likely I will be to actually do it, even while still in the program. Besides, it’s not like they care if I restrict. I’m fat, so it’s not a problem for me. This is the vibe I get from my therapist. Just like I can’t have a problem with exercise. She knows I workout at least twice a day, and she commended me for it. Thanks. She didn’t bother to ask what my motivation for working out is, whether it’s compulsive, whether it’s increased since I stopped purging, I can’t have problems with exercise or restriction because I don’t fit into a certain mold. Well, fine, my eating disorder loves that, and uses that to justify all sorts of things.
So yes, I am having a problem with justifying. I know it’s going to get me into trouble. The problem is, I sort of want that.