I skipped therapy this morning. I would have just finished up my hour-long session. Why did I skip it? I’m not sure. I’m just having a hard time going lately. I didn’t want to face her. I didn’t want to do another chain analysis. I didn’t want to try to work through, again, why I’m not eating. It’s exhausting.
Lately I’ve been just not eating except maybe one meal a day. However, I want to be more intentional with my eating, so I’m going back to the Fix It Fast Diet. Therefore, today is a fasting day.
I feel like I’m floundering. The longer I do the DBT program, the more I hate it. It feels constricting. And they want me to change my eating behaviors and I’m not ready to. I don’t know anymore why I’m doing it. I want to quit. And I feel like my eating disorder is consuming me more and more, but I don’t want to give it up. I need it. I’m afraid of losing it.