Therapy Wednesdays

I had therapy this morning. Part of it was just the normal “you need to eat breakfast, and here are the reasons why.” I’ve been really struggling to eat breakfast this last week or so. Part of it is because I’m getting up later because I’m staying up so late and so it feels weird to eat breakfast mid-morning. But I also know that’s partly an excuse to restrict.

We also touched on the loss of my sister today. I’m supposed to journal or do art work around losing her. I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve used my eating disorder in part to keep from dealing with the loss of my sister, so I’m not looking forward to having to face the grief. However, I know it’s necessary.

My homework for this week is to eat breakfast at least twice, and to journal my loss. It’s going to be a tough week. I also have to start my final project for school, so it’ll be a busy week as well.

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Relief, Disappointment, and Grief

It’s Easter Sunday. Gone are the days of Easter baskets filled with candy, and I can’t say I’m sad. As a recovering bulimic, a basket of candy would just be asking for trouble. However, I at least expected my family to get together today.

I tried several times to firm up plans with my family to get together today for at least part of the day, and everyone reassured me they wanted to get together, but no one would actually commit to anything. I feel disappointed. I feel relieved that I don’t have to worry about an Easter dinner, but disappointed that I am not with my family today. It makes me miss my late sister and her kids even more than I normally do. She always got everyone together for holidays. She planned elaborate get togethers. She had a knack for planning and getting people together. I don’t have that. And I miss her today. And I miss my family today. And it makes me both want to binge and purge.

Good morning, George how are you? I hope you’re feeling fine.

I got up at 6am to binge and purge. An hour and a half later and I’m still going strong.

I cried myself to sleep missing my sister. I woke up crying and grumpy and just out of sorts. I guess my solution was to binge and purge until I’m numb. I’m not numb yet.

Growing lax, a little scared

One day last week I was having a very rough day and I made a stupid decision. I ordered laxatives online. I can’t go into a store and buy them because I don’t have a car, so at the moment, whenever I go to the store, it’s with my dad, and he sticks pretty close. (I honestly think he’s scared of me buying laxatives because I’ve been in the ER several times due to them in the last year.) So, I ordered some online.

However, the next day, I came to my senses. I knew that’s not the road I want to go back down, so I went to the website I ordered from and canceled the order. I wasn’t charged for my order as it hadn’t shipped yet. I felt relieved. I had managed to counteract my bad decision.

Then, Tuesday, when I was over at my brothers’ place, I got a notification that my package had been delivered. What?? I canceled that! I double checked my account. Nope, I was never charged. I texted home and asked if I had a package. Yep, I did. Well, shit. What now? I thought about it the whole time I was gone. It was just sitting at home. What if someone found out I was ordering laxatives??

When I finally got home, I whisked it away to my room, but I didn’t open it. It’s still sitting in my room, unopened. I’m scared to open it, and scared to throw it away. A part of me sooo wants to open it and start using laxatives again. I miss them. Part of me likes being more healthy and doesn’t want to be sick all the time, which I will be if I start using them again. Yet, I can’t get myself to throw them away. It feels like an opportunity lost to do so, and I just can’t bring myself to do it.

And so, they remain, unopened, taunting me.

Weights and perceptions

I told my dietician today that I think my meal plan is too high.

She asked what made me think that. I said it just feels like too much food.

She asked what I perceive my weight to be doing since admitting. I said it’s gone up a lot.

She said it’s actually gone down.

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. This isn’t bad news, but it felt like a lie. Or surely their scale is broken?

There’s a bizarre feeling when what you knew to be true turns out to be false.

If only this made eating meals and snacks easier.

Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

I came across this video completely be accident while surfing youtube ASL videos. It left me sobbing. It makes me think of my sister, who died 3 years ago. Words cannot describe how hard it is to lose a sister, especially one who is a best friend.

I hate today

Today (technically yesterday now) was the anniversary of my sister’s death. It was a hard day.

Yesterday, still sick from my overdose, I didn’t eat and spent most of the day in bed. 

Today, I still wasn’t up to eating, but my mom made me some food midday without me asking (she knew I wasn’t feeling well) and I felt I should try to eat it. I got some of it down, but it made me very sick. 

I’m still nauseous. I don’t know if it’s from the pills or the not eating or what. 

These came in the mail this evening:

Note: I do NOT recommend anyone take any of these, let alone all of them. In fact, I recommend staying far, far away from them.

And after that hypocritical PSA…

I know you’re not supposed to combine things like this, especially when you’re on medications, but that never seems to stop me. Especially when I’m in my extreme states of apathy, one of which I find  myself in today. I just honestly don’t care if something bad happens.

My one hope is just that by the time November 18th comes around next year, I won’t be here to see it.

 

 

Grief

The 3 year anniversary of my sister’s death is on Tuesday.

Three years and I still don’t know how to get past it.

I still can’t think of her without falling apart. I still don’t know how to deal with the pain. I still hate this time of year. The anniversary of her death, Thanksgiving, Christmas, her birthday.

I decided to go online and look for a grief workbook.

I couldn’t even do that without crying.

I feel so stuck. And broken.

Vacation Weight

I’m going on vacation in just over a week. To California.

I’m freaking out internally. We’re going to the beach. I love to swim, but I don’t normally just hang out in a swimsuit. I’m terrified and nervous and kind of sick to my stomach.

On the flip side, though, I’m looking forward to the “vacation weight”. Many people complain of gaining weight over vacation. I always lose on vacation.

While on vacation, I tend to eat every meal with others, which means there’s always someone there to see me eat, which means I hardly eat. And since I tend to be around people A LOT while on vacation, I’m much less likely to binge and purge. After a week of near-fasting, I always come home lighter.

I’m looking forward to that.

All the emotions

This chart looks like the daily fluctuation of my weight. -__-

Guess who got a new battery for her scale today? That’s right! This girl!

My dad brought it home about 10 minutes ago. Naturally, the first this I did was go weigh myself. I’m up 7 pounds from when I last weighed. This is so frustrating. I’ve cut my workouts back to a healthy 1-2 hours a day, but I don’t eat over 600 calories most days, and often under 400. And yet, I gained 7 pounds. I guess I’ll just have to increase my workouts again.

So, on the one hand I’m really happy to have my scale back, and on the other, I’m so frustrated about gaining so much weight. Also, I purged just now for the first time in about a week after freaking out over a bowl of soup, and my right arm won’t stop shaking. It’s making it hard to type or use my mouse. Plus, it’s just simply annoying.

I started running again. I’ve been going on walks every day, and I found myself missing running. Like, physically, I ached to run. So, this morning, I did.

I can’t run far anymore, I haven’t done it in 6 years. However, I was pleased to just see that I could indeed run. I alternated walking and running for a couple miles and wound my way back home this way. It was exhilarating. How I have missed it! I also have come to appreciate biking more and more lately. When I ran before, I hated cycling, I didn’t own a bike and I didn’t use them at the gym. However, now, I bike every day, and I have noticed the strength in my legs when I run. My lungs still need to catch up, but my legs were just fine! I wish I had discovered this “secret” years earlier.

I, unfortunately, am not getting a lot of school work done. I made the mistake of checking out 13 books from the library. I just want to read all day, and tend to, instead of studying. I really need to get on it. My goal for tomorrow is to actually focus on my school work, at least for a little bit.