I went to bed early last night. Partly because I was up all weekend playing video games and drinking with my brothers, and partly because I just didn’t know what else to do. Today, I should be working on school, but I’m not. This afternoon I should be going to treatment, but I don’t want to. I could be knitting, but I just don’t have the motivation for anything. I barely got through a shower. And I had to really work up to taking it. And only because I knew I actually can’t skip treatment tonight because it could jeopardize my insurance coverage. If I wasn’t going anywhere (like I want) I wouldn’t have showered. I stayed in bed 2 hours late. I haven’t eaten today. I’m considering taking a nap, just to pass time.
Day #18: Something that feeds your brain.
Reading. I’m lucky enough to have been born to two avid readers who also loved to read to their children. I practically grew up in libraries. I adore reading and when the apathy and listlessness of my bipolar depression hasn’t taken over to where I can’t get myself to do anything, I read all the time, anything I can get my hands on, both fiction and non-fiction. Right now I’m reading Loving Our Kids on Purpose, The Way They Learn, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and The Secret Garden. (The last two are re-reads.)
So you may know by now that I have bipolar 2. You may also know that it’s not well controlled because I can’t get in to see a psychiatrist at the mental health clinic where I am seen for…mental health…and I need my meds adjusted.
Lately, I have been listless and apathetic. Completely devoid of any motivation and any desire to do anything. I lost all interest in everything. I couldn’t even knit anymore. I was sleeping 12 hours at night and taking naps during the day and was still tired all the time.
Then, yesterday, it happened. Like flipping a light switch. I had energy!! I had motivation! I was determined to get. shit. done. I cleaned the whole house yesterday. (Yes, before the planned binge and purge that I wrote about.) I felt so accomplished! I went to bed at my normal time last night, but didn’t sleep. NO! My mind raced around and round. My legs wouldn’t hold still. I was still a bundle of energy. After trying for 3 hours to sleep, I got up and filled out paperwork for the ENT I’m seeing today. Then I ate ice cream and purged that. Then I went back to bed. I didn’t try to sleep, though. I just lay there and used my phone and watched Netflix until sometime early in the morning.
I woke up at 6am ready to start the day! I want to do stuff! I want to pack. I want to clean. I want to bake! I want to knit 15 scarves! My body almost aches with energy!
- having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless; indifferent
I am listless. I have no interest in anything. I don’t want to DO anything. I’m bored, but literally nothing sounds interesting. I feel grey. Colorless. Lifeless. I want to give up, but I don’t feel capable. Even that doesn’t hold my interest tonight. Maybe I’ll sleep. Maybe I’ll just lie in bed and stare are the ceiling.
Tonight, I am terribly listless. Normally while using my bike, I watch stuff on Netflix. Tonight, nothing seems interesting. Nothing on tv, nothing on the computer, nothing in my home seems to hold any interest. I’m not even that interested in exercising, I just can’t escape the demons.
So, I am back on my bike. Bored and tired and disinterested, waiting for the magic number that says I can go to sleep.