To Destroy the Butterfly

A few weeks back in art therapy, I drew my eating disorder. One main feature of my eating disorder was the butterfly it dangles in front of my face, which represents the beautiful lies my eating disorder tells me. The promises it makes me. The things that make me want to keep my eating disorder around. Today, my head was LOUD with those lies. I couldn’t get past them and ate only an apple for breakfast and carrots for lunch.

Tonight, at treatment, I struggled through dinner, but I was able to finish. However, after, my therapist could tell I was really having a hard time so she pulled me into her office to talk for a few minutes before art therapy. She reminded me of the reasons I had given her that I wanted to recover and some other things and it really helped me to refocus.

When I got to art therapy, I decided I was tired of the beautiful lies my eating disorder tells. I’m sick of getting caught up in them. I hate how easily I get pulled into their web of deceit. So, in response, I made a large clay butterfly. When it dries, I want to paint it so it looks pretty, to represent how alluring the lies are. Then, I want to take it outside and smash it with a hammer!!

A large part of me still wants to not eat, to not follow my meal plan, but I’m going to try tomorrow to follow it. I went grocery shopping on the way home from treatment because I didn’t have what I needed in order to follow my meal plan, so to set myself up for my success, I went grocery shopping and filled in the blanks of my pantry. I may hate fighting this on so many levels, but I’m going to beat this. I may be emotionally and mentally exhausted, but I’m going to keep trudging.

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Asserting Myself

Tonight we had art therapy. Ever since we talked about the wheel of abuse, I haven’t been able to get it out of my head that my eating disorder is abusive toward me. Tonight, I wanted to practice assertiveness toward my eating disorder so I drew the first panel where my eating disorder is being abusive and I am in a defensive position. Then, I drew the second panel where I am being assertive and wrote out all the things I want to say to my eating disorder.

It’s very similar to the Lies Kyle Tells exercise we did, but I am feeling very rebellious toward my eating disorder today and assertiveness is not my forte, so I felt the need to practice it tonight. I also wanted to visually represent Kyle as abusive as a reminder to myself for when I’m not feeling so rebellious.

The Lies Kyle Tells

Recently, in art therapy, I drew my eating disorder, and named it Kyle. Today in experiential therapy, we talked about abusive behavior and how our eating disorders are abusive toward us. Then, we wrote down lies and mean things that our eating disorders tell us, and then a neutral or positive thought to counter them. Below are some of the common thoughts Kyle tells me, and the neutral/positive thoughts I wrote down to counter them.

• You are disgusting.
  • I am a beautiful human person.
• You don’t need food.
  • I am a human person with physical needs.
• You aren’t human.
  • I am a human person.
• I keep your emotions in check.
  • Emotions are healthy and a necessary part of the human experience.
• You don’t deserve to eat.
  • I am a human person with basic physical needs who deserves food.
• You are worthless.
  • I have great worth and value to give to this world.
• If you do what I say, you’ll be happy.
  • I am not happy living with my eating disorder.
• Dying of anorexia would be an accomplishment.
  • Dying of anorexia would be a tragedy, and pointless.
• No one loves you but me.
  • I am loved by many people.
• There’s nothing really wrong with you.
  • I have a serious mental illness that needs to be addressed and treated.
• You are ugly.
  • I am a beautiful human person.
• You are too fat for food.
  • All people need food, I am a human person with physical needs. I deserve food.

 

 

I drew Kyle

Tonight we had art. I love art, it’s a great chance to process through things. Tonight, I got the idea to try to put a face to my eating disorder. This is what I came up with. It’s a grotesque, oozing, green monster with tendrils that go into my brain and body because it’s trying to control me. However, it has this antenna that has this beautiful butterfly hanging from it. I call the butterfly the beautiful lies my eating disorder tells me. All the things it claims to offer, the safety is seems to hold, the reasons I keep it around. All I can see are those lies hanging in front of my face, I don’t see the ugly monster on my back literally pushing me down (thus why the person is prone). The person is naked because my eating disorder tries to keep me in shame.

I named my eating disorder Kyle. The name is completely arbitrary, it just felt good to give the monster a name.

(not) getting better

I got a phone call from a coworker wanting to catch up. We talked for a while. I opened up about why I’ve been absent. She asked how I’m doing now. I lied and said I’m getting better.

Stupid

I feel stupid. Stupid and used. Manipulated. Lied to.

Mostly stupid.

Hurt. My heart physically hurts.

Blind. Foolish.

But also like I deserved. Every last bit of it.

And so, very stupid.

Fucking diet soda!

Did you know a (12 ounce) can of diet soda has 4 calories?? That may not seem like a big deal to some people, but when every calorie for your day is allotted and accounted for, it’s a huge deal. When you only consume 200 calories in a day, that a HUGE deal. It also makes me suspicious of anything labeled 0 calories. Where else am I getting ninja calories from?? 

Tomorrow I had planned to have some vodka with diet soda as part of my allotted 800 calories. Now I know I need to allow for the calories in the soda too. I’m glad I know ahead of time. 

I will probably be suspicious of all calorie counts on all labels from now on. Thanks, soda companies and the government, for feeding into my paranoia. 

 

Because, screw treatment

I got a call from the eating disorder center. They’re actually not going to admit me. at all.

So, they’ve basically just been leading me on and flat out lying to me for the last month.

I give up. I just do. Screw treatment. Screw recovery. Screw people who are supposed to help you but just lie to you. Who needs recovery anyway?

In which Wil Wheaton gives me sage advice and signs my miniature Enterprise

I had a dream last night. A dream about Wil Wheaton.

In this dream, I was doing PHP, which was (for some inexplicable reason) in a large hotel. Also happening in this hotel, Wil Wheaton was at a table signing stuff. For whatever reason, no one was in line. This is kind of sad.

As I passed the lobby/hallway/room (it was a dream, it changed a lot) where he was sitting, I noticed him, and who it was, and I got REALLY EXCITED.

I tried to figure out what I had with me that he could sign. I had a pillow (don’t ask my why I was walking around a hotel with a pillow) but I decided it was too big for him to sign (logic doesn’t work in my dreams). I did find three small things, one was a miniature Enterprise. I’m not sure what it was exactly, it looked kind of like an Enterprise-shaped crayon. I don’t know what the other 2 things were. One of them might have been a Star Trek-themed thumb drive.

Either way, I pulled these out (of where, I’m not sure) and ran up to him and asked him to sign them, which he did. Then, because no one else wanted to talk to him (poor Wil) I sat down and we talked for a while. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about, but I remember thinking upon waking that he was a pretty cool guy.

When I woke up, I was pretty sad because I like (what I know of) Wil Wheaton and I know the chances of actually ever getting to hang out with him are pretty slim, and it was a fun and enjoyable dream.

Plus, in my dream, my sister was SOOO jealous that I had met him because she absolutely loves Star Trek TNG.

Annnyway, after waking, but while still lying in bed (because technology makes this possible), I went to Facebook to post about my dream and how sad it was to wake up from. Then, I thought to myself, “I wonder if he has a Facebook page…?”

So I checked. And he did.

Not only that, he has a blog. While scrolling through his Facebook page, I noticed a post titled, “You stand at the edge while people run you through“. Curiosity piqued, I headed over to read it.

I’m really glad I did. He talked about his experience with depression, with feeling powerless, and his dislike of the paparazzi. The one thing that stood out to me the most, however, was two simple words: depression lies.

I have dealt with depression since childhood and no one in my life has ever articulated that thought.

I don’t know why it had such a profound affect on me, but it did. It felt like something clicked in my mind. Depression lies.

I want to remember that.

Eat ALL the food

This morning I felt overwhelmed by my meal plan.

Somehow my rain took this and went, “The only logical thing to do now is to eat ALL the meal plan food!”

So, I ate the rest of my granola, drank half a bottle of orange juice, ate 7 cups of yogurt, and the rest of the peanut butter.

Because why not?

You know what helps bulimia-induced dizziness?
Binging and purging.

Oh, that makes it worse, you say? My bad. I guess my brain lied to me again.