I requested an intake meeting with the local eating disorder clinic. I don’t know if I’ll be admitted. I don’t think I’m sick enough for the program I was in last year, but something has to change. I don’t know how to stop this cycle of laxatives and fasting on my own. I tried and I am just getting worse. I’m scared. I really don’t want to do the program. The thought of being forced to eat 6 times a day again terrifies me. But I just don’t know what else to do anymore.
It’s almost 4am. I can’t sleep because I’m in too much pain. I took too many laxatives again last night.
I know I said I was going to try to stop them until I found out what’s going on with my heart. I tried. I failed.
I’m so nauseous. I don’t handle nausea well.
I’m reconsidering my psychiatrist’s advice to go back into treatment. Maybe I need to, if just to cut out the laxatives again. I don’t seem to be able to do it alone.
My rheumatologist is concerned about my heart. She wants me to see a cardiac specialist. However, the specialist doesn’t have any openings until next month. I should probably stop taking laxatives while I wait to find out how my heart is. I don’t know if this is an achievable goal, but I’m going to work on it.
I took a ton of laxatives last night. More today. I’m very sick from them. Nauseous, stomach cramps, diarrhea, vomiting, sweating, chills, headache.
Why do I do this to myself?
Today is the day I’m going to try to not take any laxatives.
I’m nervous as hell about it. I’m anxious. I want to go take laxatives. I’ve actually considered calling my therapist and I don’t do phone calls.
I didn’t skip therapy today. I wanted to, but I didn’t. It went ok. She challenged me to pick one day this week to not use laxatives. I cried when I accepted, but I did accept.
I also saw my rheumatologist today. She’s pleased with my progress, with how the meds I’m on are helping my rheumatoid arthritis. She did suggest switching one to an injection, but is going to leave it as a pill for now. Thank goodness!! I also got labs done like every time I see her. I was stabbed in my arm, where they didn’t get anything, and then in my wrist, where they took several vials of blood. She also wants me back in physical therapy for my RA, which I look forward to. It’s like having a free (well, cheaper) personal trainer.
My laxative use has been on the rise lately, so it’s probably a good thing for me to take a day off this week. I’m just not looking forward to it.
Yesterday, as you may know, was US Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is hard for people with eating disorders, and it was hard for me.
Don’t get me wrong, there were many things I enjoyed. Seeing my family. Playing with my niece and nephew. Playing board games together. Sitting around and talking together.
But there were things that were hard. The large amounts of food. Eating in front of a large group of people. Listening to my sisters and brother-in-law talk about their diets and weight loss efforts. Feeling watched and judged while I ate. Feeling absolutely stuck.
I didn’t purge yesterday, but I did use a boat load of laxatives yesterday and again today.
This morning I ate 3 pieces of pie for breakfast, followed by a handful of laxatives.
After seeing the scale just now, being up all night dealing with a laxative overdose was worth it.
The semicolon project is very popular right now. I was thinking about it and if people are getting tattoos to remind themselves to stay alive, maybe what I need is a tattoo to remind myself not to do stupid things. Maybe a nice one on my wrist that says “Don’t do anything stupid today.” Just getting through today without doing anything stupid should be an attainable goal, right?
I say this after a day where I first threw out ALL my food because I was afraid of it, then ate food from my trash can, then purged, then freaked out about eating food and took a handful of laxatives and is now up all night dealing with the effects of the laxative taking (nausea, severe cramping, vomiting, etc).
So maybe if I had seen “Don’t do anything stupid today” on my wrist at some point during the day, I would have stopped and thought and processed and NOT done something that I did today. Maybe?
**Note** I’m not actually considering getting this tattoo, you don’t have to tell me it’s a bad idea.
I have decided to stop taking the laxatives. I realized I miss feeling strong and healthy. All I have done the last few days is lie around feeling sick and weak and at first I loved it. It was familiar and friendly. But now, I miss feeling alive and vibrant and like I can take on life.