Murder

Last night I had a very hard time with dinner and I couldn’t finish and had to boost. When the staff member was talking to me about it afterward, she asked me what kind of thoughts were going through my head during dinner. They were standard Kyle-lies, things like “I don’t deserve to eat” and “I’m too fat for food.” She told me to give her counter thoughts to the thoughts I was having like we had practiced before. I couldn’t. I could not say the counter thoughts out loud. I couldn’t get them to come out.

This, after a bit, made me really angry. It made me remember the wheel of abuse we discussed in group and how my eating disorder felt, in that moment, truly oppressive. Something about that made me really angry. And I don’t get angry.

After dinner, we had art therapy. The art therapist asked me what I felt I needed to work on and I scared her by telling her I wanted to kill something. I worked with paint, which normally scares me because I have no experience with paint and I don’t like to get messy. I painted the above 3 panels.

I painted the middle panel first. That is the death scene. There’s an explosion of blood. That panel, while simple, was intense to paint. In that scene, I killed my eating disorder. I murdered Kyle. But that son of a bitch had it coming.

The first panel represents my eating disorder. It’s dark and oppressive with words that represent my eating disorder.

The last panel is my life after the death of Kyle. It’s bright and hopeful and, yes, there’s a residual effect of his role in my life, but most of my life is filled with what I want to fill it with.

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The Lies Kyle Tells

Recently, in art therapy, I drew my eating disorder, and named it Kyle. Today in experiential therapy, we talked about abusive behavior and how our eating disorders are abusive toward us. Then, we wrote down lies and mean things that our eating disorders tell us, and then a neutral or positive thought to counter them. Below are some of the common thoughts Kyle tells me, and the neutral/positive thoughts I wrote down to counter them.

• You are disgusting.
  • I am a beautiful human person.
• You don’t need food.
  • I am a human person with physical needs.
• You aren’t human.
  • I am a human person.
• I keep your emotions in check.
  • Emotions are healthy and a necessary part of the human experience.
• You don’t deserve to eat.
  • I am a human person with basic physical needs who deserves food.
• You are worthless.
  • I have great worth and value to give to this world.
• If you do what I say, you’ll be happy.
  • I am not happy living with my eating disorder.
• Dying of anorexia would be an accomplishment.
  • Dying of anorexia would be a tragedy, and pointless.
• No one loves you but me.
  • I am loved by many people.
• There’s nothing really wrong with you.
  • I have a serious mental illness that needs to be addressed and treated.
• You are ugly.
  • I am a beautiful human person.
• You are too fat for food.
  • All people need food, I am a human person with physical needs. I deserve food.